


The Coat We Wear

by Karfraegh18



Category: Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-08
Updated: 2009-10-07
Packaged: 2018-09-03 04:05:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 40,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8695903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karfraegh18/pseuds/Karfraegh18
Summary: Christmas 1998 and Jared has run from a family who hate him for what he is, to the city.  He is homeless, desperate and on Christmas Eve starts to make his way home, never making it, hit by a car and left to die in the gutter.When a drug and alcohol fueled Jensen Ackles knocks down a homeless guy he panics and runs, knowing he has murdered, but hides, protected by money and privelege. Ten years later Jensen is forced into searching for reasons, for purpose, for redemption and he may just have found it in a badly scarred youth worker, only known as Jay.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Madison, Wisconsin, 1998

 

It had been six weeks now, six weeks since sixteen-year old Jared Padalecki had told his family, and six weeks since he had left the house with nothing but a bundle of cash, and the ambition to get to Chicago somehow. 

 

He hadn’t gone the first time they showed their disgust

 

He didn’t leave when his brother took their side, frustrated and angry that his world had been rocked by this admission of his little brothers. What if people found out? He was a basketball player, a Jock, he couldn’t have a gay brother.

 

He didn’t even leave when his sister looked at him with twelve year old eyes filled with disappointment and sadness as his parents argued around him.

 

He left when he found the paperwork for the retreat. The church retreat that proudly announced that it helped confused teens see that homosexuality wasn’t appropriate and had no foundation in a modern world.

 

He was been gone when his family woke up the next morning. Brother and sister stood in silence as their parents explained about the note and the missing Christmas money. They felt differently, Jeff felt ashamed, to have been part of the reason possibly why his sixteen-year old brother had decided Chicago was a better place to be than with his own family. Megan just cried, the same tears of sadness and disappointment in her eyes, she was sad he was gone, couldn’t understand it, and disappointed at her mom and dad, who even as they cried and railed at the police and the authorities and the church, really had no one to blame but themselves.

 

Their brother had perhaps $300, his cell, and a duffle full of clothes. Worst of all, the small teddy that sat at the end of his bed normally that he had named Fred, had gone too. That was the hardest thing to understand. That was permanent. He wasn’t ever coming back.

 

All Jared wanted was to find somewhere that would accept him for what he was, some romantic idea of a safe shelter for other kids thrown on the street at sixteen with nothing more than the clothes on their back. His anger fuelled his desperate run for the city, his despair at getting no further that Madison eating away at him like acid. 

 

He wasn’t stupid; he was careful, his money hidden about him lasting for nearly four weeks of food. It didn’t stretch to shelter, and he couldn’t find anything other than the mission that provided both hot food halfway through the day and a doorway at night to sleep in. 

 

No one moved them on from the church doorways, these boys, seven of them, the youngest fourteen the oldest seventeen, different stories, all cold and hungry. They shared their stories with each other, each scared of what they would hear and he was no exception, but he didn’t say a word about his family, his friends, or his secret, he was the quiet one.

 

Come home, this is stupid we’re sorry, please come home

 

Every night he would look at his smashed cell, destroyed by another boy in a tussle for it on the first night at the shelter, just to remember his sister’s message that followed him from home.

 

No money, no way of earning money. Although one of the other boys promised as much money as Jared could imagine for just a few hours work on his knees. It was OK, it was good work the other kid had said, men liked it, liked they were displaced, didn’t have families, he wasn’t sure why.

 

Jared thought he knew, didn’t like to point out that despite promises of money the other boy never moved from the doorways to sleep so it couldn’t be that much money. And then, when he disappeared a few nights back and then had not came back since, Jared wondered if one of these men had used the fact that their toy had no home and had kept him for good. It chilled him to the bone. 

 

These boys he sat with had no families, he had one, they didn’t want him, but he was different to the other boys.

 

It was snowing on Christmas Eve and as he looked up into the dark night sky at the dizzying snowfall he saw beauty and remembered Christmas. When he looked down at the ground, at the slush, the grey, the paths worn by weary feet to the doors of the church it hit him as hard as a brick.

 

He wanted to be at home, with his family. He wanted to make them see he wasn’t bad, wasn’t wrong, that they could maybe understand him if they tried. They loved him, he knew they did, but their reaction, trying to change him; he needed to make them see he was who he was.

 

He wasn’t sure how he was going to get home. It was Christmas Eve. The most impossible night of the year for going home. But he was going to try, even as the cops arrived to do their usual mid evening check on the church, the pastor nodding and smiling and doing what pastors did best with authority figures, looked remorseful and pious and innocent. It chilled Jared to watch him, as he saw the pastor straddle two worlds, that of law and order on one side, the chaos and disgust of the homeless kids on the other. Jared didn’t want to be part of societies disgust, he wanted normal, he wanted home.

 

His head had grown full of fantasies of hitching back home, of enjoying the cold snow falling softly on him, seeing it’s beauty instead of it’s despair, and slowly and surely a curious lightness started to grow inside him. He was going to try. Try to get home, if not for Christmas then soon after. 

 

He didn’t say goodbye to any of the boys in the arches.

 

He gripped his duffle and started the journey to the main road West, stepping over the soft slush and dirt that pooled in the gutters.

 

Jared Padalecki never saw the car.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

On the east side of Madison, in the wealthy village of Maple Bluff, was where the governors Christmas ball was being held. The area around the Governors mansion smelt of old money, wealth and opportunity, and was located between the eastern shore of Lake Mendota and Sherman Avenue. It was as far removed from the Mission District as it was possible to get.

 

The snow here lay soft and even and white, framing old houses with a singular beauty, not a snowflake out of place. Expensive cars delivered wealthy families to the ball, dripping with money from diamond to Rolex.

 

As the middle son Jensen didn’t have much responsibility tonight, which kind of suited him down to the ground, Josh’s strategic engagement, Mackenzie turning sixteen, both taking the heat off of him big time.

 

He hated events like this, dressed in a fucking suit, bored shitless and really there was only one way to escape this bowing scraping crap, get drugs, get alcohol, get in his car and drive. No one would miss him really, he wasn’t important enough to register on anyone’s missing list. So he searched out Christian Kane, of the Boston Kanes, for what he needed to make this evening bearable.

 

He found him, with a simpering girl clinging to his arm, which was kind of ironic given he had been balls deep in Jensen only that afternoon.

 

Can you sort me man, this is screwing my mind.

 

I don’t have any, ‘cept what I need later.

 

Jesus.

 

Have you tried Steve?

 

He’s out too.

 

So you go to source.

 

Shit, it’s Christmas Eve.

 

Whatever man, your loss.

 

He left, weaving through simpering spoilt society girls all with their eyes on him, like he was a side of beef. It amused him to feel their staring as he wondered what they would say if he revealed his love of dick instead to their greedy parents. Actually it probably wouldn’t worry parents or daughters much, given his family name, his family money and his dad’s reputation.

 

Should someone stop him driving? The girl, asked Chris.

 

I’d like to see someone try.

 

Driving his black SUV with the tinted glass, into the Mission District he shuddered, crawling through the area casually cruising the hookers. He looked at the boys, some of whom he had exchanged an hour of pleasure with. Tonight though none of them looked clean enough, scabbed and dirty in snowdrifts of grey. Normally it wasn’t a problem, he didn’t look at faces, often left them bleeding anyway because they liked it rough, they said so, but tonight he wanted high not vicious.

 

He stopped on the final corner, called the emaciated looking child to the slightly opened window, handed over the notes, alcohol dripping in to his system meaning he didn’t really count exactly how much he handed over, it didn’t matter as long as the bag of white powder was in his hands after.

 

Just a bit, just to take the edge of the vodka buzz, immediately feeling all was right with the world. He was Jensen fucking Ackles, he could have anything or anyone he wanted, and right now he wanted one of those boys.

 

He threw a U turn, heading the SUV back to the Churches, knowing he’d find something clean if he looked hard enough. The SUV slid on the snow, and with a frightening glee all Jensen did was floor the accelerator, nothing could hurt an Ackles, he was immune to life, immune to tragedy and worry.

 

He never saw the boy until it was too late.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The night that Jensen Ross Ackles killed the hooker, the transient, the less than nothing, wasn’t really a turning point. The car took a good fifty yards to stop, ploughing into a heap of piled slush and rubbish, dragging the body along the road, depositing it finally in a broken heap in with the rubbish.

 

He looked down from his window high above the grime and the smell.

 

So much blood, and the face, the face almost gone, raw, dragged, dark hair covering some of the blood. The body was twisted unnaturally on the pillow of grey, arms twisted, no sign of breathing.

 

Shit fuck, what if someone saw him? Shit, he needed to leave.

 

He left the young man broken in the snow and drove away.

 

Fuck he needed help to hide this shit.


	2. Chapter 2

How Jensen got home he didn’t know, the car was pulling to one side, the roads were slick with snow and his drug alcohol buzz was really harshing out. They let him in the back gates, no one asked him anything, no one said a word, and he pulled into the covered garage turning off the engine and just sitting, his breath uneven, a frustration building in his chest. Why didn’t the guy look where he was going? Why had the idiot walked in front of him, there was nothing Jensen could have done, how could he have avoided it? He cursed the fates that conspired against him, and he searched in his head for someone to blame.

 

A knock on his window startled him and then the door opened. Steve. Steve who took in the small packet of white on the passenger seat, the smell of alcohol that hit him as the door opened, and grabbed Jensen out of the car, pushing the flailing man to stand upright against the door.

 

“What the fuck Jensen? The gate said you nearly ran them down” Jensen blanched, leaning in to Steve, sudden nausea sweeping over him as he lost most of the alcohol onto the floor at his feet. “This has got to fucking stop you bloody idiot, you’re gonna kill someone one of these days, or yourself” Jensen looked up at him, fear in his eyes, his pupils wide, the green as clear as glass.

 

“I needed stuff Steve” he blurted out, his hands twisting in Steve’s jacket, the smell of sick on his own clothes, “it was an accident, I didn’t mean to…”

 

“Mean to what, Jesus Jensen, what the fuck did you do”

 

”Some guy”, he mumbled, his face paling as another wave of nausea hit him, “I hit a guy… the Churches… dead Steve… I killed him”

 

“You… in the car… Jensen” Steve shook the younger man as he started to slide down the side of the SUV, “Jensen listen to me, go to your room, don’t talk to anyone, don’t tell anyone… what the fuck did you think… fuck… fuck… just go”

 

“Steve”

 

”Fuck you Jensen, I don’t have words for how much shit this could bring down on you, or your family, now just get the fuck to your room and fucking lock the door”. Jensen started to cry, stumbling, falling out of the garage, and up the stairs to the back of the house, his mind torn between doing what Steve said and going back for the drugs in the car. Steve must have sensed his thoughts “Go, before I shoot you”, Steve moved a hand menacingly to his shoulder holster and Jensen, for the second time that night ran.

 

Steve stood, in the bright lights of the garage, looking at the brand new SUV and moving to the front, crouching down and inspecting for damage, not much sign of anything happening, perhaps Jensen had imagined it? Perhaps he hadn’t hit anything? He pulled a special cell phone from his pocket and dialed 911, filing a report of a hit and run in the Church District, then he rang off, removed the SIM and crushed it under his feet. No one would be able to trace the phone, it was drugstore issue untraceable. Then he ran his hand around the front corner that was marked and scratched, pulling his fingers back, nothing, no blood, well no red anyway, the snow and the ice and the salt would have probably removed visible traces. What did come away was a residue of sort, brown, dirt, he wondered if he had the victims blood on his hands. Without thinking his duty kicked in, Jensen Ackles, son of Governor Ackles, had killed someone, there were going to be repercussions, this car needed moving, burning, and the fucking drugs can burn as well, and it was up to him to sort this out.

 

Then what? Hold this on his conscience? Help that pathetic waste of space that was the boss’s son to disappear, he was going back to college in January, let him stay there, stay away, or he seriously may have to carry out the threat he had really meant. To shoot the spoiled fucker himself.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The Pastor saw the lights, the blue, on, off, on, off and curiosity sent him out of his rooms and into the cold. Paramedics, a cop hovering asking questions, some kind of county vehicle, chaos, and in the middle of it a huddle of people and red. Red spread and soaked into the grey melting snow. Tension was there, in the hurried and confident workings of the paramedics, the night quiet and cloaked in the cocoon of snow. He could see parts of the figure they were working on, blood, burns, he couldn’t make out features, or see very much to identify him, he was unconscious, dead, was there a pulse, would they be working on someone with no hope at all?

 

He hovered uncertainly, aware that the boys who slept in his doorways were watching; pale with cold and shivering in the night. He crossed to them, quiet words, they all looked uncertain and unconsciously moved closer to each other.

 

“Was he one of you?” he asked as gently as he could. One of the boys nodded. “Do you know his name?” They exchanged blank stares, no one exchanged names here, he sighed at the reactions and then crossed back to the scene in front of his church, deliberately seeking out the cop. He gave him the brief details including the fact that the injured boy was one of his boys and as such the church would be the point of contact until social workers became involved. He turned back to the other boys, all stood waiting, and in an instant he knew what he had to do. To hell with it, they might not like it, the church elders, the ones with their hands on the purse strings and, those who frowned on using church funds for supporting these misplaced souls, but this emergency justified the opening of his hall for comfort and heat. 

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

9 years later, 4th of July, 2007

 

Jay places the bibles out every time there is a service for those who don’t have their own. It isn’t many. The church is popular and full and devout and most attendees have their own bibles. Jay does, it is leather bound and red, and he takes it with him most places in his jacket. It has the tiniest writing and was Pastor Ben’s before. Before the accident, just before. Sometimes when his eyesight is struggling he finds it difficult to read, but he would never admit to that, it was his lifeline this small leather book.

 

He enjoys the gatherings in the church, the old stone structure so solid and so safe and so much his home, and he likes the smell and the touch of tradition and the sameness of the people who come here. From Mrs Abbey and her small dog curled in her bag to Mr and Mrs Fellows who always insist on the front row and glare at anyone who dares to sit there. They all knew Jay, had frowned upon Jay and his simple ways, his quiet voice, his hair, the scars, the very reason that he was even here in the first place. It had been nine years, he had friends here, he had non-friends, he had peace, he had quiet and even with paint under his nails and holes in his jeans he had a kind of acceptance from the church and it’s visitors.

 

He never sold his paintings to the congregation, he gave them away. To the twins on their birthday, the feeding on the hill, with their faces in the crowd, the nativity to Pastor Ben, who hung it in his office. Every painting a new and delicate one, a single scene from the bible, a single message, a single moment.

 

It was service tonight, a special service for July 4th. What July 4th and religion per se had in common, was far from Jay’s understanding, but it was an excuse to meet, to laugh, to pray and to celebrate and he enjoyed the time with his friends. Pastor Ben had warned Jay that Mr Fellows was on the warpath again. Something about education and funding and how could Jay stay at the church without provision for his future. In fact Jay paid his own way to stay in the apartment above the church, little more than two rooms and a small kitchen, but home none the less. Paid from the sale of the paintings that he actually took to craft fairs and to stalls on the market. He didn’t charge much for them and he added to the money with odd jobs for the parishioners, some interior decorating, some carpentry, anything really. Aside from his painting he was happiest wearing a tool belt and could turn his hand to almost anything. He had only turned down one request and that involved heights, something he just couldn’t handle. 

 

He wasn’t sure where he got his fear of heights from, nor indeed any of the quirks that made him Jay. He had been found outside the Church, dying from a hit and run, taken in by the church and Pastor Ben when released from hospital, his injuries severe, his scars both external and internal. He had survived the first night, the second, the third but it was day forty-three that he was finally released to Pastor Ben and the search for a family began. He didn’t remember anything before the accident. Fleeting memories, nothing but hostility though, nothing clear, nothing sharp. 

 

He remembered cold. 

 

When asked, all he could say was I was cold but he had been found lying in the snow so that was dismissed as mostly irrelevant. He had had a bag with him, inside some clothes, a few dollars in change, a small teddy, a book, nothing else, no clue, no name. The pastor did try. He posted pictures, even learnt a bit of, as he said it, Internet stuff, but nothing. He filed papers with the Chicago PD and they sent bulletins, but it was difficult to get a good photo as the scarring from the accident had been severe, the swelling bad. He was tall, stringy, brunette, had hazel eyes that looked empty and permanently sad. 

 

He didn’t have a name, had no memories of his name, so Pastor Ben and him sat down one Sunday before service and decided on a name. They turned to the best source of information they had, the bible, and the first list of names in Genesis, names jumped out at him, but one seemed to strike a chord, Jared, it seemed wrong somehow, on his tongue, and his shaking hands couldn’t form the letters as he wrote them, so they shortened it to Jay. For societies sake he needed a surname so he took Pastor Ben's surname. Jay Andrews he became. 

 

He tried his very hardest to write the letters. Over and over he tried, and eventually he had it, proud of pushing through the shaking. He was old enough to decide on his own education, he was labeled as being 18, he looked tall enough, he wanted to paint, he found he had a stubborn streak and he was determined to paint. He could paint without shaking, like it was natural. It was from his heart, not a physical process but a mental one.

 

Jay hadn’t moved out since, hadn't moved away. He was happy here; the odd young man who was friends with the pastor, raising a few eyebrows, no family and no girlfriends. Worked hard, supported the church, gave back as much he was given, buried himself in his painting. His work putting the church on the map for something other than the program for homeless kids that had started the night Jay Andrews almost died. To some in the congregation this was a very good thing; the program was not something everyone supported, some barely tolerated the group of scruffy tired kids who always grouped together at the back of the hall.

 

Jay always sat with them, a wall between them and the ‘normal’ congregation, a strange fire in his eyes, daring anyone to say a word.

 

His kids.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The new guy, the stranger from the club, the one with the blue eyes and the tight jeans, slid down Jensen with practiced ease, licking traces of cocaine from sharp hipbones. His lips and tongue wet and frantic as he swirled the white powder in his open mouth, his eyes glazed, biting down hard onto Jensen’s skin, causing the younger man to heave with whimpers of pain and ecstasy in his world of high. Jensen reached down, pulling his lover up to taste the drug on his tongue, open, wet kisses, that had nothing to do with passion and all to do with exchanging the drug. He was starting to come down, he didn’t want that, he wanted more of this, this forgetting, this release, he was only half hard, he wasn’t going to get off, but god the drug, the nastiness, the want, it was so fucking good.

 

His partner pulled himself off, reaching onto the table, needles, a band, heroin so pure it slid as smooth as silk into your veins.

 

“Want baby?” he asked on a moan, his face a grotesque mask of pain as the needle slid into scarred arms, leaning down, the needle inches from Jensen. Some part of him, some part of Jensen that was still real, recoiled at the needle and the pain and he pulled back, or at least he tried to pull back, stuck under his partner, his legs twisted in cotton sheets, his high still so raw. He didn’t want the needle, he wanted more powder, wanted the slow climb, not the dive from the precipice. He said so, he knew he was saying, stop, but the needle was closer, he could feel the push against his arm of the guys hand, the lean of his body, he said no again, there was some reason why he didn’t want… didn’t… couldn’t, but it wasn’t that bad, he needed to climb somehow and the erotic movement of skin against skin was so fucking hot.

 

And then nothing, no movement, and Jensen laid still, pinned to the bed by six foot of ball player, muscles heaving, pushing at him, the needle gone, and the heaving became real in Jensen’s head and he could see fitting and blood at the mouth. Images hit him in succession, eyes rolling in his lovers head, needles on the floor, noises, frantic breathing, his own, his lovers, shouting, pushing, then hearing screaming.

 

His own.


	3. Chapter 3

**Two days before Thanksgiving, November 2007**

 

They were waiting for him, with the big car, and the bodyguards, and the ever present paparazzi. Waiting outside his place of safety. Standing by the sign for the centre and the car, taking photos, shooting film. He could just imagine the headlines and wondered why his dad had decided to pick him up so publicly instead of him being allowed to leave on his own, quietly and calmly.

 

_Governor Ackles son released from rehab_

_Fifth time in rehab – way to pay the bill Governor_

_Man’s death from overdose, Ackles responsible?_

_Drugs, Alcohol, the fall of the upper class_

 

He had been desperately hoping that Steve would be there to pick him up, had wanted to see the man before real life took hold again. The thought of his dad waiting for him was enough to scare him back into rehab. No sign of his siblings, but then he hadn’t seen them in the five months he had been inside, why should he expect any different now? If he was being honest (and wasn’t that what the last five months had tried to teach him, to be honest), he didn’t deserve any of his family to be with him here, apart from perhaps his dad.

 

In rehab, he had felt secure, unthreatened, alive, clean. Now stepping into daylight outside the complex, seeing the reminders of his previous life he stopped. Just stopped. The walking that was taking him away from the hardest five months of his life just failing him. What did his dad want him to show to the papers? That he was clean? That he was sorry? That he had a future? Well he was clean. And he was sorry, sorry for much more than they would ever know, and a future? His future was in his own hands, but the secrets he had to carry with him, they were so big, and he could never share them with his family.

 

His dad took the few steps to stand in front of his middle child, his gestures kindly for the photos but his face away from them a singularly hard and uncompromising mask

 

“You will keep walking”, he said in a low voice even as he pulled his thin son into a tight warning hold. “You owe us this JR” Jensen allowed shaky hands to grasp at his dad. “We kept your ass out of jail boy” the venom in his dad’s voice cut at him like a knife.

 

_I don’t owe you a fucking thing dad, but for mom I will do this with you..._

 

He didn’t say a word, just pulled back and crossed to his mom, who stood beautiful and straight at the side of the car. It was her heart he had broken, not his dad’s; his dad had politics and ice where his heart should have been, but his mom she had a heart that could be broken as easily as fine spun glass. She stood there, tears making her eyes bright, tears she would never shed in front of the press, she had more grace in her little finger than the whole crowd of hungry reporters had in total between them. He walked direct into her arms and she pulled him in for a hug, pulling his head down to cuddle into her.

 

She whispered into the freckled skin, “I couldn’t come Jensen, forgive me” he wouldn’t let me, he wouldn’t let me see the child that is more me that I am myself. She pulled at his shirt, inhaling the scent that was her son.

 

“I need … I’m sorry…”, he didn’t have the words, just wondered deep inside him, just how they had got to this place, this time when his mom was dying piece by small cold piece, and he had been trying to die for real.

 

“That’s enough now, wave for them, get in the car” he dad said under his breath, impatience in his manner

 

“I want to - ” to walk, to walk, that is all I want to do, walk.

 

“In the car Jensen, and for gods sake put a smile of your face” everything said just so, behind smiles that cracked a hard face, be a unit, a family, the Ackles show.

 

Jensen did, he smiled, even waved. He was good at that, acting the part, being one of the Ackles children.

 

His mom watched him as he sat opposite her in the car, his legs pulled up under him in a defensive pose, his arms wrapped round his legs, dark glasses hiding his eyes, his face solemn. She had been there every time he had come out of rehabilitation, had sometimes held him as he cried away his depression and grief. She couldn’t understand what was inside him that made him so dependent, so lost. And this time, after maybe five years of being clean, five years of working and surviving, she couldn’t understand what had sent him back to the drugs. 

 

She had watched him so carefully, seen relationships that lasted a few months come and go, tried to understand his reasons for everything he did, knew he hadn’t yet met the one person who was the other half of him. This time, there had been no relationship break up, no spiralling despair, his one night, that one fateful night, had been so out of character in her middle son, such a throwback to what he was ten years ago, and she just couldn’t understand what had triggered it. He had been so peaceful, so focused, for so long, what on earth had pushed him over the edge?

 

She just wanted to move to sit next to him, her arms desperate to touch her son, to wrap him in her arms and kiss away his pain, she had gone so long without him in her life and it had been hard every day.

 

His dad watched him, a look of complete and utter disgust on his face as he looked at him. Jensen imagined what was going through his head… the boy, the child, so incapable of handling his demons, no backbone, pathetic. Nothing he hadn’t already called himself.

 

Jensen didn’t look at anyone, he stared out of the window, lost in his own thoughts, his hands in constant movement, twisting and feeling, his eyelids heavy, his mind spinning and focusing on what he needed to do now.

 

“Are you tired sweetie?” his mom asked, Jensen glanced over at her, she spoke to him, she asked him a question, with his dad there, the fear in her voice the only evidence that she was pushing it too far.

 

His dad grunted. “Tired? For gods sake Miriam, he’s been doing nothing for five months, of course he’s not tired, stop molly coddling him, he needs to get home and get back in the saddle, earn us back some of the money that his law degree cost us”

 

I’m not going back dad, I’d rather die than sit at that desk, seeing what you do, seeing just how low you can go, seeing what you are responsible for, I’m not going back.

 

He didn’t say any of that, he just sat, blinking at his mom, messaging his thanks with his expressive green eyes, even as his dad was back on his cell, barking orders and organising his son’s life.

 

I.

 

Am.

 

Not.

 

Going.

 

Back.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jay was so proud he thought he was going to cry, Thanksgiving was his favourite time of the year and he had woken that morning with a spring in his step and a smile on his face.

 

He was sorting out the stacks of bibles behind the screen when he heard the words.

 

God only know what he has to be thankful for, no life, no life in this church for him, I admit that, yes, it is a given he has a talent with the drawing but he’ll never have a family, I mean look at him.

 

I so know what you mean, he is kind of scary, i mean did you see him last thursday when that boy of his started crying, pathetic

 

The hair, I mean he always looks so scruffy, covered in paint, and that hair, I know what it covers, and I can’t imagine any woman would want that

 

Jay knew they were talking about him, and he pulled his hair a bit further onto his face, he had obviously grown lax if people could see his scars enough to comment on his suitability as husband material. He straightened his back, this had happened before, it would happen again. What he needed to do was just walk out, let them see he could have heard, turn his discomfort back on them and he counted down from ten to do so.

 

He had gotten to eight when a third voice entered the discussion. He recognised Andy, one of the quieter of his boys, only seventeen, but homeless and needing a place to stay. He was one of Jared’s success stories. Despite Andy having no family to speak of to sponsor his education, Jay had managed to swing a place in the local school for him, and had spent most of yesterday buying up uniform and books. Andy was desperate to learn, the streets hadn’t robbed him of his need to learn just yet.

 

“It’s wrong of you to stand here talking about Jay, he is a good person and he is my friend” Jared could hear tears in Andy’s voice, it made him feel humble that he instilled this much devotion in such a young man.

 

“Young man”

 

“No, just you stop talking about him, talk about Mr Clarke the elder and his affairs, talk about Mrs Janes the treasurer and her husband that stole the Christmas money but don’t you dare talk about Jay like that”.

 

There was a lot of mumbling and disgruntled huffs, and Jay took that moment to step out from behind the old biddies at the coffee pot. They stood, shocked, mouths open. It was obvious that Jay would have heard them.

 

“Ladies” he said calmly, then slinging an arm around Andy’s shoulder he said in a quiet voice “thanks Andy”. Andy went from a pissed expression to one that could have been labeled as minor adoration as he looked up at six four of Jay. Andy had seen Jay’s scars, seen them twist and snake from eye to hip on his left hand side, had seen them in the showers after basketball practice. He wasn’t staring, but Jay didn’t hide them, all of Jay’s protégées knew his story, or what parts of the story Jay had pieced together. His scars branded him as a hero, as a man who had fought battles and one.

 

Jay had been one of them once, apparently alone, victim of a hit and run, scarred, bruised, but at home now, here in the dark stones of the church. Jay’s scars were like a badge of honour, the same way that Andy bore the cigarette burns and cuts of abusive foster parents. What didn’t kill them made them stronger, this is what Jay said, and apparently he had got that from a book or a film or something, but it meant a lot.

 

“I meant it Jay, people shouldn’t talk”

 

“Andy, people will always talk” Jay explained patiently, “I have no family outside of the church, no girlfriend, nothing those two back there would class as normal, so whatever Andy, whatever”.

 

“Well I told ‘em and they wont be doing it again” Andy said defiantly, a fierce and protective passion in his voice.

 

And that was why Jay was proud, not because Andy had stuck up for Jay, but because Andy had shown conviction, passion, had his fire back, passion that he could use to go out in the world and fight his corner.

 

It was all Jay could ask for.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen stopped outside the door, Carlson Private Investigations, stealing himself for the inevitable confrontation with his friend, then walked in, shoulders back, head held high.

 

He walked straight passed Anna, who squeaked and pressed random buttons and through the open door at the end of the corridor shutting it behind him.

 

The man at the desk looked up, surprise on his face, his mouth open to answer the warning Anna had just issued across the intercom.

 

"It's OK, I have him" he said finally into the speaker.

 

“Steve” Jensen said. Steve didn’t reply, just looked at Jensen, a thoughtful look on his face. Then pushing himself away from the desk and standing up, crossing to stand in front of the desk leaning back slightly, deceptively calm. “Get it over with” Jensen prompted, wincing as Steve folded his arms over his chest and looked at him impassively. Jensen waited, he always waited with Steve, Steve always took his time, every though of his calculated and processed.

 

Finally he spoke, “tell me Jensen. Why am I not shooting you?” he said uncrossing his arms and taking the two steps to bring himself a foot in front of the younger man.

 

”I don’t know. I mean I - ” Jensen didn’t see Steve move, didn’t see the clenched fist, fell back against the door as Steve’s fist made contact with his face, an evil crack and pain blossoming in his left cheekbone. Jensen pulled himself upright, he deserved this, craved it, this open honest fervour that drove Steve to hit him. He waited for the next one, winced as Steve moved his arms again, only this time to wrap Jensen in a tight hug. “You fucking idiot Ackles, what the fuck were you thinking, why didn’t you talk to me?” he asked his voice thick with emotion, even as Jensen hugged back, his throat choked.

 

“You didn’t come to see me”, Jensen finally said into his friends neck, hugging him so tight it was probably restricting Steve’s breathing

 

“I couldn’t, you idiot, your dad had you in a lockdown there, no visitors, Governors orders”. Gently he eased back, a thoughtful frown on his face as he scanned his pale friend, cataloguing his gaunt look, the lack of meat on his bones. “You look like shit” he finished reassuringly.

 

“Gee, thanks” Jensen replied, settling into the old routine.

 

“What dya want anyway Ackles?” Steve asked, no small amount of affection in his voice, as he turned to the coffee machine and poured a black coffee for Jensen, it looked like the boy needed caffeine.

 

“I need you”, he paused looking a bit flustered at Steve’s wry grin, Chris would kill him for saying things like that, “no, I need Carlson’s help”

 

“Our help? In what way?”

 

”I cant afford much but… I need you to research a case for me? Well two actually”

 

“Jen, you have been in rehab for five months, where the hell did you get two new cases?”

 

“Well one of them is…”he tailed off, looking uncertain, unsure, “…is the reason I kinda lost it in the summer. My dad, the firm, stuff I found out, stuff I can't trust anyone with, I would understand if you didn’t wanna get involved, I mean he is a - ”

 

“Details, I need details, happy to do anything that screws your old man” Steve said, sliding into his desk space and breaking out a pen and paper.

 

“No, that is kinda… important… but… first though I want to do… I want to get you… and me… me as well… I wanna be in this with you… I wanna look into a really old case”.

 

“How old?” Steve seemed intrigued and at the same time slightly concerned, almost as if he knew what Jensen was going to say.

 

“Nine years Steve. I want you… I want us to look into my hit and run”

 

”Jen”

 

”No Steve, I need to find his family, if he had one, I need to know who I killed, so I can finally get my head round it, make amends, do my time, whatever, just… I need to know”


	4. Chapter 4

‘Churches’ started the night Jay died, or as good as died. Pastor Ben took it as a sign that this has happened at his front door, happened to one of the boys that he had tried to look after as much as money and committee interference had let him.

 

When had stood there, stood with the other boys, ice in his veins and the grey snow about them awash with fthe blue of the paramedics, the red of a child’s blood, Ben Andrews took the germ of an idea and started to fight.

 

It started with these five boys; the first five, and Jay, the sixth. Some stayed with him, with scars and memories that made them cry in the night; others stayed with bravado and dreams of a better life. It was never going to be a permanent arrangement for any of them, but it was intended to give each child, for that is what they were, a starting block to go back to school, some to even go home.

 

Mikey and Timothy were the oldest, and as much friends as you could be on the streets… they hid at Churches, together, each only days away from their 16th birthdays, hiding from what was left of their families, just in case they were found. 

 

They had found Tim eventually … his family… just a day after he turned 16, and he went away with them, his dad, with promises of a better life and a basket full of apologies. Mikey had no one, no one of any importance anyway, and he stayed. He only ever left Churches long enough, when he turned 17, to track down Tim, just to see how he was doing, know he was going along OK. He found that he had died the same year he left, and a sober Mikey laid flowers on Tim’s grave and come back, quiet and thoughtful and determined.

 

Danny. Ryan. Mark. They stayed a while, feeding on some limited education and as much support as Ben could give them, Danny turning to computers as a gift, Ryan an electrician, Mark a handyman, all relying only on themselves, strong, determined, the root of the whole Churches ethos.

 

Ironically it was Jay that was the glue that held them together. It was Jay that stopped Mikey from running when he found out Tim had died, and as he struggled even to learn his new name, and at the same time relearned to write and read, they watched over him, watched as a group this quiet introverted young man. 

 

Inevitable it was Mikey that was drawn to him as only two loners could be, sitting, saying nothing, Mikey reading, Jay drawing.

 

And it was Mikey who wrote the stories of the boys, Jay who illustrated each thoughtful page, pencil drawings of the church, of the room with the six beds, individual cameos of Timothy, of Danny, of Ryan and of Mark. Tim died before he could be added, but Jay tried his hardest to record dark hair and sparkling blue eyes, to show his unique sense of humour, he didn’t hide the scars that marked Tim’s face... he could show other’s scars, just not his own. 

 

Mikey couldn’t bring himself to write a word about his friend, so for Tim there was just a page of drawings, beautiful timeless drawings, of a boy who would be forever 16.

 

New children came to Churches, and for the first year Pastor Ben could only take six, and he cried in his rooms every time he had to turn a child away, sending them to other forms of help that weren’t him.

 

He had funding, the church decided to add their support and then it grew, taking over the rooms off of the church, setting up a proper kitchen, temporary accommodation, even adding the irrepressible Sian who just generally bossed everyone around and looked after the whole enterprise with her unique use of bribing with pie and coffee, filling the coffers with donations. Coffers that were especially full at Christmas.

 

A lot of this money came from the new people in church at Christmas. It wasn’t unusual to have new faces in the congregation at the services from Thanksgiving to New Year. People whom for one reason or another craved the church at Christmas. Jay watched these new faces with interest, always wondering exactly what it was that pushed each one through the Church doors, in the few services leading up to the big day itself.

 

He saw a few people he recognised, local people, people he knew to be good, good to him, good to the other boys, good to the Church, people he knew just didn’t feel the need to connect to their God in the same way as he did; didn’t feel the need to be in Church to do God’s work. Others he recognised from last Christmas, and some from as recent as Thanksgiving.

 

Families sat with fidgety children waiting for the service to start, older couples, grandparents, aunts, uncles, entire families wanting to share the magical days before their Christmases with singing and thanks.

 

The three men that sat towards the back were the ones that caught Jay’s eyes this time. He often found himself watching one group, one family, his fingers itching to draw, wanting to capture the reasons they were here in pencil and colour. They were odd ones out, a couple, well it seemed like a couple to Jay, a shorter blonde, a taller long haired brunette, holding hands and standing behind the rest of the congregation, secure enough to touch each other in front of what may be a disapproving crowd. Jay watched with fascination as they leaned close, talking in low voices, themselves observant of the people around them and every so often talking to the third man.

 

The third man, well he was the enigma, tall, not quite as tall as Jay maybe, but still, over six foot, soft, too thin, his face too sallow, Jay recognising him for what he was, having seen too much of abuse to mark it up as anything but that. He wondered if the two men with him were friends, or sponsors, or just strangers. The third man was well dressed, casual but comfortable, a forest green sweater over a shirt, dark pants, but Jay couldn’t see much more and some small part of him wanted to see. See the man’s eyes, smell his scent, draw him. It was a strange compelling need that Jay didn’t begin to understand, but one he had had only on a few occasions before. He didn’t deny his needs, didn’t even pretend he wasn’t gay, he just never announced it, smiling through the matchmaking and making excuses to ignore and disappear. This man though. He was different, Jay actually felt like he wanted to go and talk to him, which, given the amount of talking he didn’t do was a strange feeling to be having. He moved past them, trying not to stare, cursing the fact that he was once again drawn to a man with obvious problems.

 

The man for his own reasons seemed to be scanning the congregation, his hands curled reflexively into one of the spare bibles that Jay had placed there earlier, his eyes tired and so very pale in colour. Jared was compelled to go closer, finding a reason to stop at the side of the men, a stack of papers needed passing down, a small exchanged word and the man lifted his eyes to Jay. Green. Intense green, beautiful, the most beautiful face, hard, angled, lips so lush, and a flush of embarrassment floored Jay as he fumbled for the words to ask them to pass the leaflets down, years of hiding making him hang his head, allowing his hair to fall further over his face.

 

“Thanks” was all he said, straightening and crossing the aisle to sit with the boys in his care, his back ramrod straight, his breathing erratic, his face flushed. Liam, the youngest they had at the moment, only 13 and bearing scars as evil as Jays, looked at his hero, seeing him flushed, stumbling, looked over his shoulder to the men sat across the aisle, one of them looking at his Jay. He recognised the look, knew it from experience, a need, a want, a must have. He stared at the man steadily until the other at least had the grace to blush and turn back to his friends.

 

Andy sat with them, himself observing Jay, casting an eye back to the truly beautiful man that was obviously the reason for Jay’s flush. He had known Jay didn’t like girls, it was a standing joke about the Smith twins and their determination to marry Jay off… to horror of horrors a girl.

 

“Who are they?” Andy asked softly into Jay’s ear.

 

“Hmmm?” Jay was trying to concentrate, trying to find the next hymn in his book in advance, so he wouldn't do his normal clumsy finding exercise as he was standing, which last week led him to dropping the book.

 

“Those guys, wonder who they are?” Jared looked down at Andy, a small smile on his face.

 

“Christians”. He smirked and turned back to the hymnbook. Andy just sighed; he’d have to do more digging after service.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It wasn’t that Jensen didn’t have religion, he did, of sorts. He had spent a lot of time in his younger years wishing for one thing or another, and he had always considered that in his uneducated way a kind of loose praying. He wished his mom was happy, he wished his sister wasn’t a self absorbed bitch, he wished his brother wasn’t such a dick and he wished his dad was more of a dad than a controlling bastard. He wished the gardener hadn’t left on Jensen’s 16th birthday when he had been found in the toolshed by his dad naked as the day he was born in the process of receiving his 23rd and mostly special blow job that month.

 

He wished his piano teacher hadn’t been asked to leave, because he made his mom laugh and it kinda ruined Jensen’s flow with the whole learning process.

 

He wished he and Chris had never tried that first hit, never decided that it was a good way to pass a night, off their heads on alcohol and cocaine, or indeed any other combination of drugs that were available. Chris had finished a lot easier than Jensen. He decided to stop, decided that for Steve he would stop. 

 

He waited and waited, watching as Steve grew more and more disillusioned at working for the Ackles family, grew more and more bogged down with the lies he had to tell, the secrets he had to hide and at twenty one Chris decided he’d start things with Steve. Just like that. One minute he said to Jensen, I think I’m gay, and then in the next breath he said, I think I’m gay for Steve. They’d been together ever since.

 

Chris’s use of drugs had been light, limited, more for show, he was essentially a happy person, happy in his studies, happy as Jensen’s best friend, happy with loving Steve from a distance. Just damn happy.

 

Jensen wished he could be more like Chris. More focused, less angst ridden. Possibly he wished that Chris’ family were his family, not that he blamed his own family per se for pushing him into using. He had come to terms with his dependent personality a long time ago, right around the time Steve had found him sobbing in his bedroom, curled in a corner, rocking.

 

“I dealt with it Jensen” Steve had said, a touch of fury in his voice, of disappointment.

 

“What…” What did you do? 

 

“I’ve dealt with it, you need to forget it now”

 

”The drugs, I wont… do…” His voice was still slurred, his tongue too big for his mouth, his head pounding and his eyes flicking from one side of the room to the other. It meant something to him that Steve had to listen to him, that Steve may be able see his promises meant something.

 

“I wont say anything Jen, but I’m gonna have to go and talk to your dad” Jensen heard the words, knew it dug fear into him as sharp as a knife

 

“No” he whimpered

 

It was the first time he went to rehab, 19 and broken. Steve went with him. 

 

He wished Steve was his dad.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The service ended and people milled about, drinking coffee, Jay noticed the three men sat in their seats, the green eyed man nervously twitching, throwing back coffee like it was going out of fashion. He watched as Andy started to make his way over there, this wasn’t good, he liked to interrogate every new parishoner with a view to finding out as much as he could, and for some odd reason Jay wanted to save the green eyed man from that, crossing that bot faster, reaching them first.

 

“Jay” he said, reaching out a hand to the taller of the couple who immediately looked up... and up... squinting.

 

“Chris” he said, taking Jay’s hand, and then inclining his head to the blond sat next to him “This is my partner Steve” he said, almost defiantly as Jay shook hands with him.

 

Jay just smiled, “Hi Steve, welcome to St Margaret’s”

 

Then he faced the beautiful man on the end, who just sat distracted, looking into the crowd of people, looking for something.

 

“Jensen… Jay, Jay… Jensen”. Chris said, interrupting Jensen’s staring with a poke in the side.

 

“Hey” Jay said softly, holding out his hand, which Jensen took without really looking, his hands hot, his face flushed. Jay released his hand, glancing back at a concerned Chris.

 

“Can you get me in to talk to the Priest?” he stuttered, then realised how he sounded and deliberately stopped himself, looking up into Jay’s face and standing, leaving a hand on the back of the chair for balance.

 

“Jen” Steve admonished, standing himself, placing a hand on Jensen’s arm.

 

“M’sorry, is it… is it possible to talk to…”

 

”Yes, if you hang on I’ll get him to come over”, Jay offered gently, his eyes searching out Ben.

 

Leaving green eyes and his friends he spoke briefly to Ben and then carried on with the mingling, which mostly involved sitting with the Churches kids talking about anything and everything. All of the time however, he was watching the three men, actively conscious of every movement they made, his spine stiffening when Ben finally made his way over to them.

 

He watched as they exchanged words, Jensen animatedly waving his arms, Chris and Steve flanking him. He saw Ben’s shoulders shrug, he saw him deliberately search out Jay in the group of boys, eyes burning into his, then he felt them leave, moving to the small room Ben used as his office, and watched as the office door shut on the three men, a sharp pain of unease in his temple.

 

What did they want? Was Ben in trouble? Perhaps he should go into the office? Indecision gripped him.

 

”Jay? You ok?” Andy. Andy who was looking at him with such concern. It grounded him, Ben would certainly have asked for help if he felt he needed it.

 

"Yeah, fine"

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“How can I help?” Ben started calmly.

 

“We need-”

 

“Jen, I’ll handle this. Sir, we are here about an accident that happened outside your Church on Christmas Eve, in 1998, a young man was involved in a hit and run, we are investigating this case”

 

“We?”

 

”Carlson investigations, Steve Carlson”

 

“Investigations? Why are you looking into this now? This was what, nine years ago? Are his family trying to track him down” He finished on a hopeful note, the became equally concerned as one of the men in his office paled and leant back against the wall for support. He looked ill, that young man, pale and waxy, bags under his eyes, his skin sallow, too thin for his frame, not a healthy look.

 

“No, we are trying to track down his family”

 

“To what purpose?”

 

“I can’t divulge why sir, but I have information for them”

 

“Information?” Ben sucked in a breath, did they know the family... could they reunite… “What can I do to help?”

 

“The young man who was involved, we are gathering as much information as we can about him, and would like your point of view on what happened that night. You were in this Parish, this church then I believe?”

 

“Yes”

 

“Did you know the deceased?”

 

”Deceased?” Deceased?

 

“The boy who was killed in the hit and run?”

 

”He…” Ben frowned “he wasn’t killed, seriously injured yes, but he didn’t die”.

 

Silence.

 

“Steve” a quiet voice, breathless, then the man who was only held up by the wall slumped to the ground, arms wrapped around his legs, “Steve”


	5. Chapter 5

It was tradition now that Jay went out and found the right tree for the church entrance after the Thanksgiving service. It was never too early to add a touch of Christmas for the congregation, and the tree Jay found would always be tall and strong and capable of handling anything the Sunday school could hang on it.

 

This year though he found himself reluctant to just leave with the others; hovering outside Ben’s room, uncertain, worried to leave, the other men in there with him not having left yet.

 

“Are you worried Jay?” Andy said at his side, picking up on Jay’s stance, posted outside the door.

 

“Not worried, concerned maybe, I think I may just take in the collection, check it out”, Jay said softly, gripping the box containing the collection tight in his hand.

 

“I can do it” Andy offered I can come in with you, let me help

 

”No, honestly I’m sure it is fine, I’ll just check, I’ll meet you at the front for the tree yeah?”

 

“OK, I’ll get the others, see you out front in five”

 

”Yeah OK” Jay said absently, his thoughts firmly inside the room with his mentor and the strangers to the congregation. He knocked on the door and entered without pause his eyes adjusting to the familiar gloom inside Ben’s study, blinking as he took in each person. The young man who looked so pale, so ill, crouched on the floor, in a ball, rocking, one of the two men with him, the older one, kneeled down next to him speaking low touching and stroking his arms, comforting. The other man… stood next to Ben his hands reaching out to the pastor, his eyes focused entirely on a horrified expression that locked Ben’s face.

 

“Ben?” Jay said quickly, moving to Ben’s side, between the man he remembered as Chris, and Ben himself. “What is it?” something in Jay’s voice dragged Ben back in to the room, and grief stricken eyes met Jay’s.

 

“Jay, you need to… you need to go”

 

”I’m not going anywhere Ben, what is it?”

 

”They just want to talk to me, to tell me….”

 

“What Ben? What do they want to tell you, Ben… you’re scaring me”

 

“Jay, seriously, there is nothing here you can help with”

 

“I’m going nowhere” Jay spat out, twisting suddenly, his large hands gripped into Chris’s shirt, pushing the smaller man back against the wall, his body language menacing, his grip unyielding. “What is it you want, are you threatening him? Is it money?” The shorter man squirmed under Jay’s grip, but Jay had an iron grip helped by his six four frame and there was no way the smaller man was moving.

 

“Let him go Jay”, he heard Ben’s voice, but it didn’t register in his grip until Ben touched his arm. “They want to talk to me about something that happened a long time ago Jay, it’ll be fine, please let him go”

 

“It doesn’t look OK Ben” None of this looks OK. Jay cast his mind back to meeting the men before the service, they had seemed normal, sincere, friendly, what the hell did they want with Ben?

 

”The young man… on the floor, he has had a shock Jay, can we… can…” Ben’s voice tailed off as he watched the play of emotions on Jay’s face. The absolute protector that he had become, so devoted, so close, family. Ben suddenly had no words, just pure ice that clutched at his head, a grip so tight it made breathing difficult.

 

“He’ll be OK” Steve muttered, his hands still firm on the barely conscious guy curled on the floor.

 

”What the fuck Steve?” This from Chris, who still stood immobile; held by the giant who had assumed the position of the pastor’s bodyguard. Jay shook his head glancing from Chris to Steve, what did he mean? That he didn’t know what was going on? What was happening here? His hands dropped from Chris, who moved immediately and crossed to Steve, dropping to his knees, his hands touching Steve, touching the green eyed man on the floor. “Tell me, what happened? Why did Jensen, I mean why is he… what does the accident mean to him…”

 

”Jen needs to tell you himself babe, don’t…” his voice faded as he concentrated on Jensen who seemed to have curled in on himself.

 

“Steve, god” Jensen’s voice, soft, broken “I didn’t know, I thought I’d…”

 

”Jen, you need to calm down, we need to get you home”, Steve looked over at a stunned Chris who had heard enough to start putting two and two together and was suddenly horrified at the realisation he was coming too, it made Steve’s heart ache that he had needed to keep this secret for Jensen from Chris.

 

They helped Jensen up, not one of them looking directly at Ben, none of them able to do so.

 

“What is going on?” Finally Jay asked, aware of the tension in the room, but not leaving Ben’s side.

 

“I didn’t kill him”, Jensen suddenly blurted out. Ben didn’t flinch at Jensen’s words, hearing them for what they were, relieved, scared, shocked. He looked at Jay, at the clear hazel eyes, at the man who was standing strong and confident. He wanted to keep him in the dark, didn’t want to open him up to the hate he might feel, the law, the trouble; but he knew he had to say, had to tell him everything that this group of men had told him.

 

“These men”, Ben started sadly, “these men are here about a hit and run, Christmas 1998, and the death of a young man, here, outside here”.

 

Realisation crossed Jay’s face, a horrified, excited realisation and he turned to look at the men who had broken into his life.

 

“Death?” he said questioningly.

 

“He didn’t die” Jensen said, his face hidden in his hands, his voice rough.

 

“I didn’t die” Jared said softly, “they mean me don’t they?” 

 

Ben nodded, “I think so”, he offered.

 

Silence.

 

Then Jay turned to face the men who stood in the room, people who may have information for him, maybe his family, maybe a name?

 

“Me… I mean… I was the boy in the accident, I don’t… don’t remember much… anything in fact… are you here from my family… can you help me to remember?” Steve looked stricken, Jensen went white; more than white if it was possible and Chris just stood, his expression carefully blank.

 

“We cant…” Steve started, looking helplessly at Jensen and Chris and then back at Jay and Ben, “we don’t know anything that can help you”

 

Jay’s face twisted in disappointment and he looked uncertainly at Steve. “How did you track me down? Why?”

 

”Me” Jensen said softly. Jay turned to face the man whose eyes had captured him earlier, the beautiful man, the man who was clearly struggling with something physical, mental, a man who was obviously ill.

 

“You?” he prompted simply, confused, not really following this. He saw Jensen pull himself tall, stiffening his shoulders.

 

”It was me”, he stopped, swallowed, “…me… me who knocked you down, Christmas Eve, I thought you were dead… I didn’t know … I was 19, I was scared” he finished in a rush.

 

Jay felt a sudden grief so hard it twisted in him like a knife, he didn’t know… couldn’t make sense of what he was hearing, felt a hand on his arm, Ben, and he leaned ever so slightly into his touch. A hand went to his face, twisting in his hair. and he realised it was his, shaking, anchoring the shake in his hand in the hair that covered his scars. This man… this beautiful, pale, broken man stood in front of him… telling him… that… what… that he had… killed him… left him for dead… “I don’t understand… you left me?”

 

“You have to believe, I didn’t know, I was too…” drunk, high, stupid, arrogant, “…I wouldn’t…”

 

“Wouldn’t have what? Left me?” Jay just sounded confused, pulling at his hair painfully, dropping his head, “What do you want… why are you here?”

 

”To find your family” Jensen replied simply, “to face you, to take responsibility for what I did, to ask for…” his voice tailed off, thick with emotion, the words stuck in his throat.

 

“Forgiveness?” Steve suggested. Jensen looked at him frowning, thoughtful, shaking his head.

 

“Not forgiveness, I just wanted to maybe track down a family… to tell them...”

 

Jay released his hair and it fell long about his face, and then with his eyes steady on Jensen, hazel eyes dark with emotion staring into green eyes filling with misery, he lifted it away fully from the scars, back from his neck, hearing a gasp from Steve or Chris, one of them, and ensuring he faced Jensen.

 

“You want to see me?” He said calmly, “…this is me”. Jensen didn’t look at the scars; despite wanting to see, wanting to look at the proof of what he had done, nausea churning in his stomach, he just stared steadily at Jay’s eyes. He couldn’t say anything, couldn’t think of anything to say in response, but he wanted Jay to see he could look him in the eyes at least. He was waiting for the hate, the words, calling the cops, the anger, but nothing. Nothing at all.

 

“Jay?” Ben. Ben who stood inches away, his hands raised. 

 

To hold Jay back?

 

To stop Jensen from approaching Jay?

 

“Ben, I need…” Jay relaxed his stance, willing his spine to hold him straight “I need to go… I can’t…”

 

Ben moved subtly between the two men, his eyes with Jay, but his words for Jensen. “You need to go”

 

“But I - ”

 

“You need to go, all of you, leave us here”, Ben said, placing a reassuring hand on Jay’s arm, letting him know he was here, that he would stand between Jay and these men. Jay shook his head even as he saw Jensen start to leave, the acceptance of defeat in his shoulders, Chris and Steve closing ranks either side.

 

“Wait” he said softly, “You stay here, talk to Ben, start to find your…” he wanted to say peace, he desperately wanted to say something, draw from his years in the church, listening to Ben, but nothing happened, he just stopped, his head empty of words, a sudden void where his compassion lived. “Just stay” he finished, pulling away from Ben and walking to the door, “the tree” he added softly, pushing the words past his tight throat and closing the door behind him.

 

Jensen made as if to move after Jay, but Ben slid between them and the door in a single effective move, blocking the exit.

 

”Please” was all Jensen could say. Looking at the closed door, past the pastor, wanting to run after the man he needed to talk too, but not for the life of him knowing what he would say even if Jay stopped to talk.

 

“You let him go son… shock” Ben said firmly, his hand flat on Jensen’s chest.

 

“I need to - ”

 

“No”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jay moved swiftly through the church, hoping desperately that Ben would hold the men back… the man back… this Jensen… and he was so lost in the thoughts tumbling in his head that he almost tripped over a waiting Andy who immediately sprang to his feet.

 

“Is everything OK?” Andy asked carefully, seeing Jay, so pale, his face a mask of confusion.

 

“Fine, tree Andy, tree”

 

Andy followed Jay to the truck, climbing into the shotgun position, looking round at the four younger kids on the back seat, three boys, one girl, all of whom were chatting excitedly, then looking back at Jay, who started the truck and headed in the direction of the tree fields his eyes focused, his body stiff.

 

What was going on?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen slumped against the wall, sliding down to the floor, “Steve, I need…” to talk, to say something, to sort this out, to get this Jay back, to fix his scars… “…help me Steve… I can’t stop this… I need…” to forget, to cope, to take my punishment, “…I need…”

 

Steve couldn’t hear a word Jensen was saying, his eyes stricken moving from Chris to Jensen, seeing mistrust and disappointment in Chris, fear and a desperate want in Jensen.

 

He started to pull Jensen to his feet, “no drugs Jen” he whispered fiercely, “no drugs”


	6. Chapter 6

“Perhaps I can talk to this young man alone for a while” Ben said softly, hearing Jay’s footsteps taking him further away from the room, still standing between his exit and the three men in the room with him.

 

Steve moved to flank a clearly blown away Jensen, words on his tongue, no, Jensen isn’t ready, he’s too close to losing it, it is too much, but Jensen beat him to it by seconds

 

“I would like that” he said his throat tight, his hands deep in jean pockets, visibly shaking.

 

”Do you need - ”

 

“Steve, I’ll be fine, some water, I’ll be fine”

 

“We’ll be in the truck… me and Chris… we’ll be waiting” we’ll watch the church give you a bit of time, stop people from coming in, watch your back. 

 

Steve looked to Chris for support, but it seemed as if Chris was looking at everyone apart from his lover of eight years. Shit. With a final squeeze of Jensen’s arm Steve indicated him and Chris were leaving and finally Ben moved from the door. When the door shut behind them it closed with a finality that sent a chill down Steve’s spine, and he actually turned as if to go back in. Chris stopped him, almost dragging him out of the church and into Steve’s truck, he pushed him to the drivers side and climbed in shotgun, leaving until Steve’s door had actually shut before starting.

 

“What the fuck Steve?”

 

”I’m sorry Chris” I am so sorry, I promised, I should have said something

 

“Sorry” What the hell is the last eight years of relationship worth if we have secrets?

 

“There didn’t seem to be any purpose served in telling anyone, it was between me and Jensen” Ouch, maybe I worded that wrongly?

 

“You and Jensen, how did he… how did you?”

 

“He came home that night, off his head, alcohol, drugs, I don’t know what shit, I found him. The gate said he’d almost rammed them, alerted me, and I found him in the garage with the SUV, brand new, less than a week old, blood, shit, I don’t know, no marks, no dents, just brown”. Steve gripped the steering wheel, resting his forehead on it whilst Chris watched almost dispassionately. “I was working then, for the Governor, for Jensen’s dad…” his voice was almost begging Chris to understand.

 

“I remember that night”. Chris said softly.

 

“I didn’t last long working for that fucker, but that night, that single night it was my job to protect the family, from everything, it was what I was hired to do. I phoned 911, I called in the accident, I got to Jensen’s room, got him cleared up, calmed down. I dealt with it Chris, OK, I dealt with it”

 

“Shit Steve” was all Chris could say, he could feel the shock creeping up on him, the sense of betrayal that Steve had never told him, that Jensen had never said. “When we got together… why didn’t you tell me then?”

 

“What purpose would it have served Chris?”

 

”Beside the obvious trust issues you fucking bastard, it may have gone some way to explaining why Jensen has been on self-destruct for all this time. Maybe I could have helped if I’d known?” Steve lifted his head from the wheel, his eyes stormy, his face carved from stone.

 

“I tried Chris” he spat with no small amount of bitterness and anger, “I was with him every step of the way. He was… he is… my closest friend outside of our relationship, do you think I liked watching him try to kill himself? Do you think I didn’t, every day, think it would be better for him to face his demons so he could start to heal?” 

 

“How could I know what you think Steve, for fucks sake, you left me out of the loop, we could have tried to help him together. Shit Steve, I mean how did he live for so long thinking he’d killed someone? He isn’t hard, he isn’t vicious, he doesn’t have an evil bone in his body, how would he… shit, it’s must have been like acid inside of him, the times he went into rehab, you were there, had he…”, Chris stopped, his face suddenly white with realisation, “…was he trying to kill himself?”

 

Steve didn’t answer, his hands falling to his lap, “I should have told you. We should have told you. When you and me started, when it was all… new… and Jensen was like on his second time inside, and I felt almost as if I was betraying him by being with you… it was all so much… Chris…” his voice tailed off. He didn’t know what he was asking, but he put every bit of emotion he had inside into that single word. Chris. Chris understand me, Chris help me, Chris forgive me.

 

“OK, we’ll talk, we’ll… Jeez, I don’t know what we’ll do… but whatever… we’ll do it together”.

 

Steve didn’t say anything, just leaned over and placed a small kiss on Chris’s cheek, which Chris leaned into at first then shrugged off almost as quickly “I am still so fucking angry at you, I don't know what else to - ”

 

The rear door opened and a slightly dishevelled and shaken Jensen climbed in.

 

“Can you take me home…” he said leaning back on the seat and closing his eyes

 

”Home?” Did he mean home, to his apartment, home to his parents?

 

”No, not home, yours Steve. Please?” Jensen opened his eyes, bright green in Steve’s mirror, pleading. Steve wanted to say yes, but the shock he had seen in Chris, maybe it was too much.

 

“We’ll take you back to ours Jen” Chris said, pulling over his seatbelt and settling back.

 

There was momentary silence. Chris just wanted to get home. Steve just wanted to hug his boyfriend close for his understanding. Jensen didn’t know what he wanted, apart from being in the safety of Steve and Chris’s house, hidden.

 

All of them knew they had to talk.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

When Jay finally got back to the church, the tree stood in minutes with all five of them pushing and pulling and the kids giggling, ready to decorate . The others left for their shared sitting room hyped up on McDonalds, and Jay found himself searching for peace and silence. Room to try and process what he was going through. He took his usual position in the church at the back, where he normally sat with his kids, but it felt wrong, it felt lonely without the others, somehow not close enough to the heart of the church and he eventually found himself four rows from the front of the empty church, his head bent, thoughts tumbling and crashing in his head. 

 

He sat there for a long time, thinking in prayers and questions, fighting back anger and sensing rather than actually seeing Ben sit in the pew in front of him. Words just fell from his lips then, no conscious thought just pure feeling, tears heavy in his voice.

 

“What do I do Ben?” Ben said nothing, sensing perhaps the younger man needed to get everything off of his chest. Jay lifted his head, blinking, frowning, “I want to call the police, I want to tell them what he did, I want to find out what he knows, I want…” he paused, breathing in air, slumping back, his eyes shining, his hands buried in his long hair again. “…I don’t, I don’t see… I don’t know, is this shock? Is this what it feels like?”

 

“You will know eventually what needs to be done Jay”

 

“I’ve been going over and over it in my head, how am I gonna forgive this Ben, please tell me how I can?”

 

“You know Jay, forgiveness is a whole lot harder than any sermon I give makes it out to be, but we don't fully get our heads around the whole concept of forgiveness, then we miss the gospel. Grace, the gospel, the very heart of God; they are all wrapped up in forgiveness”.

 

“I don’t even understand why he would do it, how can I even start to forgive him?”

 

Ben sighed, this was his hardest job reconciling faith with some of the hardest experiences he had ever seen people go through. Abuse, rape, murder. He wouldn’t wish the reconciling on anyone, least of all the man he had come to call his son. “Jay, people are always going to do us wrong, in small ways, in ways we least expect, in the way that this young man has to you. Some of them are going to come to us and ask us to forgive them; and some of them are going to be pretty awful people who have done some seemingly unforgivable things to us. Most of them, if not all of them, don't at face seem to deserve to be forgiven. Jay, you have to ask yourself will it help you to withhold your forgiveness?”

 

“You mean, will it stop this… this hatred… that I am feeling inside?”

 

“As Christians we are always going to be confronted with choices. You have to make the choice here, and I am not saying it is going to be easy, I am not even saying it will stop any hatred you have inside you. I stood over you when you were laying there dying, so much blood, your face… unrecognisable, you have every right to feel angry, that accident it took your life, your memories”. He stopped, gently easing one of Jay’s hands from his hair and holding it tightly, “Jay, if it helps, I feel angry, it was all I could do not to leap across that room and rail on the guy who admits he left you for dead”.

 

“You have those feelings? The same rage I have for him”, Jay seemed puzzled at his reaction and Ben smiled as he did every time people around him seemed to think that the he was immune to passion or extremes of any sort.

 

“Not the same Jay, but close, you are my son, maybe not on paper, but as good as, my life is invested in yours, and I will accept whatever you choose to do in this matter. I will be there for you”.

 

Jay looked into Ben’s grey eyes steadily, a realisation of sorts as he focused on Ben’s words. “Maybe I just want justice?” he offered at last.

 

“Well that is an entirely different thing Jay. If you want justice then you call the authorities and you tell them. Justice for what he did, the punitive actions of the law, you have no control over that, forgiveness from you, well, you have full control over that decision”.

 

“How can I ever forgive, he as good as killed me, left me to die? How can I ever forget what he did Ben, what he took away from me?”

 

“Ahhh, Jay, forgiving does not mean forgetting…” Ben paused, sighing, releasing Jay’s hand and crossing his own hands in front of him, leaning on the back of the seat, “…it means remembering, but allowing that memory to become part of the past, instead of a regret of the present”.

 

Jay opened his mouth to speak, stopped, paused, his eyes suspiciously bright with tears.

 

“And my family, did I even have a family? I mean, I have a life here, why do I feel like I want to open that up now?”

 

“Do you want to find out if you do have a family somewhere Jay? The young man with Jensen, he is an investigator, the church could fund - ”

 

“I have my own money, I can…” Jay started defensively, and then stopped, a flush of embarrassment on his face, “…sorry, I don’t know where my head is at the moment”

 

I am so worried what I will find… a godless family, a family who threw me out, didn’t want me, maybe they had known…

 

Jay just groaned and looked away from Ben, how did he even know what kind of family he had been born too? “Ben, what if they didn’t have faith, my family, what if my faith now is just one huge ball of pretence?”

 

”Do you think you need to know where you came from in order to validate your own beliefs?”

 

“I wish I knew what I was thinking”

 

Ben reached out and touched Jay’s arm, his touch warm, “you don’t have to decide anything now Jay, that young man seems very ill to me - ”

 

“Drugs” Jay interrupted derisively, his whole body language stiffening as Ben watched.

 

“Drugs maybe, but whatever it is, he is fighting demons that you and I can not even begin to see, time may be what you both need”.

 

“I want to see him now, I mean, really now, when he is raw, not when he can hide behind whatever keeps him going, the drugs or drink.” 

 

Ben stood, “If that is what you want then I have an address, and an open offer for you to be there. He wants to talk, before he…” Ben’s voice tailed off.

 

“Before what Ben?”

 

“Before he turns himself in to the authorities, he just wants a chance to explain, to say sorry”


	7. Chapter 7

Ben left Jay then, left him sat in the pew, and Jay’s restless soul forced him to his feet, and he began pacing. Leaving it too long, letting Jensen maybe lose himself, that isn’t what he wanted to see, and so he paced from alter to lectern, from pew to church door, his head full of what ifs and sudden pain when flashbacks of today’s meeting flew around him. For a single moment there he had felt hope; that he had family and that they wanted him, had found him after all. Then that had been stripped away so suddenly. What was he left with, an addict, a murderer… potential murderer… leaving him to die, horrific, breaking Jay as easily as snapping a twig, erasing his memory, taking his life, scarring him horribly.

 

It was his freaking compassion that was fighting for dominance though, seeing the other side, playing devils advocate, listening to Ben, hearing that the man wanted to talk him, this Jensen Ackles. It was his compassion; the same compassion he had for all of the runaways and addicts he had helped over the last few years, that pushed him to make a decision. 

 

Before this Jensen guy turned himself in he deserved to listen to Jay’s point of view, and to give Jay time to come to his own decisions.

 

So he packed a bag, said his goodbyes and told Ben he needed the address.

 

Even as Ben watched Jay climb into the truck he was reluctant to hand over the address, his hands closing tight around the slip of paper. Jay just watched him patiently, saw the battle in his eyes; knew what was running through his head.

 

”I could come with you Jay”

 

”Ben, no. This I need to do on my own”

 

“There are three of them and only one of you…” Jay held his hand out for the address, which Ben forced himself to hand over.

 

“You know where I am Ben”

 

“Let me know Jay, let me know” Jay just nodded, his hair long about his face, his scars covered, his eyes like slate, determined and focused.

 

“As soon as I know, as soon as I can understand, I’ll be back here” Ben eyed the duffle next to Jay, wondering still why Jay had packed for an extended stay away from the Church, but knowing in his heart that the younger man wasn’t going to stop until he found some kind of answers.

 

“We’ll be waiting”

 

Jay smiled briefly, put the car into drive and moved off, not looking back, determination and focus pushing him forward, away, towards this Jensen guy and answers.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

When he reached the address he found himself in a quiet neighbourhood of nicely spaced out houses and manicured lawns, suburbia, quiet, reminded him of a desperate housewives set, not that he would ever admit to Ben his obsession with the show.

 

He sat for a while, wondering what the fuck he was doing. Jensen was clearly screwed up, an addict, broken, a murderer, potential murderer, potential murderer, and Jay wasn’t an expert. He’d be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t scared of what Jensen could do to him, mentally.

 

Sending a quick and sincere prayer heavenward he buried every element of doubt behind what his kids called his Puppy Mask. He could be positive and pointed and funny and sarcastic and cute and hide every element of pain and doubt behind the mask, it worked every time. Grabbing his bag and locking the truck he started up the path.

 

It was Steve that answered the door. Steve that stood silent and unmoving, looking at the man in his doorway, at the bag in his hand.

 

“Jay?” was all he said.

 

”Jensen left this address, said if I wanted to talk”

 

“I’m not sure he meant now, he - ”

 

“Now. It needs to be now” Jay said determinedly, taking a step into the house. Steve balked, stayed still, not letting him pass.

 

“It’s OK Steve, let him in” Jensen. Jensen standing in the hall, well back in the shadows, his voice hoarse. Without argument Steve stood to one side letting Jay in. Jay walked into the hallway, observing the furious way Steve pushed past Jensen, who had moved to greet his visitor, causing him to stumble slightly. Something had obviously gone down in the last hours since they had been at the church, something had changed in the dynamic of the relationship between the two men.

 

“Steve didn’t understand really, didn't realise the implications of what I was doing today” Jensen said matter of factly as if in explanation

 

“You mean deciding to turn yourself in for my murder?” Jay said simply, watching as Jensen winced, not answering, seeing him lean back slightly from the six four giant in the hallway, Jay moved a step back, his determination to get here suddenly sliding.

 

”We need to talk” Jensen started, “I need to talk, to tell you, to try and…”

 

“Coffee would be good” Jay said abruptly and Jensen gratefully clung on to the excuse to be doing something, anything, and started to walk through to the large kitchen at the back of the house. There was no sign of Steve, or the other guy, it was just him and Jensen walking through to a large well lit kitchen full of gadgets.

 

“Is this place yours?” Jay asked curiously.

 

Jensen shook his head, closing his eyes briefly, “Steve’s and Chris’s place, I’m not ready to go back to my place just yet”

 

”Why?” Jay thought it was as good a place as any to start, watching as Jensen flustered over filters and turned dials and jumble crashed coffee mugs from a high cupboard. Jay was curious, watching this shaking man, this person who looked like a dead man walking, tired, no exhausted, was so nervous, so clumsy. He didn’t seem like a man strong enough to leave a child dying in the snow, a man dark enough, he just seemed like a frail and broken mess. This is what Jay needed to see, the raw pain, the starkness of realisation when he had met the man he had killed, this was where the talking and the understanding would come from, the very lowest of levels, not some therapy driven admission, but something real and tangible.

 

“Why? Because…” he paused, turning his back on the gently percolating coffee and lifting red rimmed eyes to Jay, he could lie, maybe even make up a story, but the earnest interest in the younger man’s eyes made him decide to be real. “I’m not safe on my own at the moment” he started, looking down at the floor, “I’ve erm… only just come out of rehab… again… and I am not really… I shouldn’t be on my own, it’s all too easy to go back”

 

”Go back on what?” Jay pushed

 

“Erm, cocaine mostly… I had been clean for a long time, almost… I don’t know, five years… something like that… and then…”

 

“What? Then what”

 

“Shit happened, and I was back, one night that is all it was, but it was enough to go back in, to get myself sorted, to realise I needed to pay for what I had done, to own up before I lost all of the humanity and compassion inside of me”.

 

“For what you did to me”

 

“Yeah, and for what I was doing to other people” Jensen added, his hands tense behind him on the counter.

 

“Other people, you mean you ran over other people and left them to die too?” Jay said tongue in cheek, cringing inside at what his brain had told him to say and what had actually come out of his mouth. Jensen flinched like Jay had hit him. “Sorry, gallows humour” Jay said softly.

 

“Don’t say sorry to me for anything. Don’t you dare say sorry to me for anything”

 

“I meant - ” Jay started, but Jensen turned abruptly, pouring coffee into the two mugs and placing them with cream and sugar next to them on the wide oak kitchen table. He gestured for Jay to sit and then slid into the chair opposite. “It was just an expression, sorry, it didn’t mean anything”.

 

“It should, it will do, I want to say sorry for what I did to you, to give you something, anything that will make amends”

 

“Plastic surgery?” Jay suggested casually. Jensen’s eyes lit up and he caught the throw away comment with an almost religious fervour.

 

“I can do that, I can pay for you to have plastic surgery, to get rid of your scars”

 

“I don’t want that, I don’t need that, is that what you are offering me? Money?”

 

“No, no, not all, shit, I was just… you said, suggested… shit, no” Jensen rested his head in his shaking hands. He deserved every joke, every remark, every single thing Jay threw at him and he was determined to go through with it.

 

Silence. Punctuated only by moving mugs and soft swallows of the fragrant coffee. Where did Jay want him to start? At the beginning he supposed, but not before he made it clear what he was leading up to.

 

“I’m going to go and…turn myself in… when I have finished talking here” he said softly as a way to start, “I kinda made notes and stuff, and I know what I need to say…” He tailed off, lifting green eyes to hazel and wondering at Jay’s blank expression and his simple questioning uh huh in response.

 

”What does your lawyer say?” Jay asked, lifting the near empty mug to drain the remains of his coffee. Jensen just looked confused.

 

“I don’t have one” I’m guilty, I know what I did.

 

”Uh huh”

 

“Jay, you don’t see. You meant nothing to me, you were homeless, just a waste of space in my eyes, I knocked you down, the SUV dragged you… yards across up the road trapped under the car, and then I left you, because you died, and if you hadn’t I would still have run, I was high, I wouldn’t have thought twice”

 

“You know what Jensen for all your dramatic words, I don’t guess you’ll last more than ten minutes in prison, I give you a week before you are back on the drugs, is that what you want. I mean, is this a way of trying to commit suicide here?”

 

Jensen ignored that. Prison and all that entailed was a nebulous concept in his head, he had to pay, he would pay, and it would be easier for someone else to kill him rather than have to do it himself, because to be fair he wasn’t very good at it. Just that thought of utter hopelessness sent his temper with himself to a high

 

“Why are you even sitting opposite me, listening to this shit” he spat out, coffee sloshing over the side of his mug and onto the table.

 

“You asked me”

 

”Well I never thought you’d say yes” you should have said no; I’m not worth listening too.

 

“Still, I’m here, and I’m staying”

 

”Staying”

 

“Yeah, we need to talk, to get your head clear ready for you to turn yourself in” Jay offered softly and then stood, “more coffee?”. Wordlessly Jen handed his mug to Jay who poured out the cooling remains and refilled it, passing it back to him.

 

“Why would you do that, I don’t get this”

 

“What is there to get?” Please don’t question me; I don’t have all the answers here.

 

“Three hours ago you found out… why aren’t you hitting me, shouting at me, hating me, calling the cops”, Jensen sounded almost angry, well score one Jay for wrong footing him and leaving him uncertain.

 

”Is that what you want me to do?” I want to, inside I want to hit you so hard, god, I have so much pressure inside me, and if I don’t go and find an empty room soon I might snap.

 

“It’s what I deserve”. He imagined nails driving into his heart would be easier to handle than this.

 

“I do hate you Jensen, for what you did, for what you took from me, I’m not sure how I will ever work my way through it, whether I will always hate you, a small part of me, I’m not sure I can ever…” he didn’t finish what he was saying, didn’t really have the words to explain that really he was still in shock here.

 

There was a pause, an uncomfortable silence.

 

”Can you tell me Jay, tell me what you lost, make it real for both of us?” Jensen didn’t care if he sounded like he was begging, he selfishly needed to know just how far he had fallen if he was to ever pick himself back up.

 

“I don’t know what I lost Jensen, I don’t have memories that are before the week after the accident, nothing at all, so no memories, no family, I only know what I was told, what was pieced together”

 

“Shit Jay”, the nails embedded further in his heart, he didn’t know what else to say

 

“…erm, I was a runaway, taking shelter at the church, that is all I know really”

 

“A runaway?”

 

“Yeah, the other boys there, they knew me, didn’t know my name, apparently no one knew names”

 

“You remembered your name though?” Jensen sounded almost hopeful that some intrinsic part of Jay had survived that Christmas Eve.

 

“No, Jay is just one I chose, it sounded right”

 

“It sounded right” Jensen echoed, his face paling, it sounded right? What the fuck? ”Did no one… did you not… jeez Jay”

 

“No one found me, I found no one, but I had Ben, Ben and the rest of the kids, and one thing I had that seems to have eluded you, a form of peace

 

“Peace? Peace isn’t there if you don’t know your family, what if - ”

 

“You said at beginning that you would do anything for me, well I need you to do something for me Jensen, for yourself, I need you to give me December”. Where did that come from, give me December? Sounds like a rom com.

 

“December?” Jensen echoed blankly, he was losing the track this conversation.

 

”December and what is left of November, we stay together, you do some stuff for me, then in January I will go with you to the authorities if that is what you want to do.”

 

“Jay, none of this makes sense man, what the fuck, why delay this? I don’t understand you”

 

“December Jensen, just December”, Jay’s stomach churned, what the fuck was he doing here?

 

“December”


	8. Chapter 8

“December, what the fuck” Jay didn’t flinch at the voice behind him, had sensed the men who had brough Jensen to the church were standing behind him. “What are you? Some sort of idiot? Give me December? It sounds like some kind of - ”

 

“Steve wait” Jensen held up a hand, he wasn’t even sure what Jay was proposing but he wanted to hear him out. He was convinced the younger man was still in shock and found himself staring into calm hazel eyes watching for a flinch of madness or even for tears, but being disappointed. 

 

Steve just blustered moving to stand dangerously close to Jay his hands clenching and unclenching. “No Jen, this is ridiculous, he knows what you did now, you’ve done your bit, you said sorry, this crap is just some kind of sick game… stupid, I don’t - ”

 

“No game” Jay said softly, his eyes flicking from Jensen to Steve, taking in Chris who hovered anxiously at the door.

 

“Are you on something man? I mean, what are you trying to achieve? Is this some sort of cocaine fueled joke?” Angrily Steve pulled Jensen to his feet, the grip on his arm strong, “Jensen, don’t do this, don’t get involved with this guy, it’ll hurt your case when you hand yourself in”. Steve stopped suddenly, “What the fuck am I saying, I don’t even want you to hand yourself in”.

 

“It might make your sentence less if we can demonstrate compassion somewhere along the line” Chris interjected, slipping into his TV watching defense attorney mode.

 

”You don’t really believe that Chris”, Steve said disbelievingly, “you know as well as I do that the minute he walks into that station, showing compassion or not, he is screwed, totally screwed, legally, in the press, SHIT”.

 

“Well it might go some way to counteract the fact you and Steve kept it a secret for nine years”, there was bitterness in Chris’s voice that bled into his words, making them harsh and accusing.

 

”I’m screwed anyway Steve, I have been for so long, why is it going to make any difference who I talk to or who I spend time with? I can give Jay a few hours to - ”

 

“A month he said Jensen” Chris reminded them, Jay watched the discussion with interest, choosing to stay quiet and observant.

 

“A month then” Jensen conceded.

 

Steve visibly straightened in shock at Jensen’s casual acceptance of this strange request “Jen, for god’s sake, you can’t even do an hour on your own, let alone a month. You can’t do this, you can’t last another month without purpose” this from Chris, who waved at the obvious shaking in Jensen’s hands, his face creased in a frown, exchanging worried looks with Steve.

 

“This isn’t right, this needs to be put in writing, he’s probably after money or something, and he knows you have money, no one would be here just to talk”.

 

“Stop” a single voice. Jay’s voice, how the hell did he explain what he wanted, to people that were so passionate in their relationship to Jensen, passionate in their need to protect the older man.

 

“What the hell - ”

 

“Steve”

 

Jay continued in the same quiet voice, “I mean it isn’t like the church can give me answers to everything in my life - so I guess what I want is to understand…” Jay’s voice tailed off, “…I want to teach myself to forgive this”

 

“That is some religious mumbo jumbo bullshit” Chris muttered from the door, “I’m outta here” The three men left in the kitchen listened as the front door crashed shut and Steve winced.

 

”I’m going after him” he said to no one in particular and left with the same flurry of emotion letting Jensen know, in his own way, that he still wasn’t happy.

 

The two men that were left, sat staring at each other. Jay knew what he wanted to say; that he had doubts he could ever be like Ben, that he may never be able to dispense forgiveness for attempted murder as easily as he might for a verbal slight. How could he explain to this broken man that he had been able to come to terms with the pain of what happened to him a long time ago, that his life had moved on. 

 

It was just that he had never had someone to blame for the loss of his memory, the scars and it was just… having a face now, a name, someone to blame, someone to accuse, he was losing control of that acceptance he had fought so hard to have. It scared him.

 

“I think you have a good heart Jensen, I can see that, your friends can see that” Jay said finally, “I am trying to get my head round this, trying to understand…”

 

“Why do you need longer to see that I am sorry?”

 

“I want you to spend some time with me so I can learn about you. See the reasons why you did what you did. I work with kids, street kids, kids like maybe I was. With no direction, no point in their lives and I see that under the raw anger of youth there is good there. Deep down they are good kids, just with bad backgrounds and maybe some of that can be applied to you?”

 

“You wont find that Jay, you’ll just learn that I am a spoilt willful child, you wont find any reason for what I did, in fact what if that is all you find? Just another upper class drug addict with daddy issues?”

 

”I think you are selling yourself short Jensen” Jay reached into his bag, pulling out a folder, an envelope with papers inside it, old papers, creased and attached to photos and newspaper cuttings. He laid it on the table in three piles. The smaller pile, a few A4 posters, nothing much, a few scribbled notes. “We didn’t track down family, I was homeless, no name, not much there”. The second pile seemed to contain medical information, a larger envelope, letters, photos. “This is what happened to me physically, photos, some medical stuff, it helped me get my head round how far I had come. There is also some psych stuff in there”.

 

Jensen winced at the piles of Jay’s life laid in front of him, wondering what the third contained. Jay saw the wince and dropped unsteady eyes to the paperwork trying to hold his own flying emotions together.

 

“This is my research into the law” Jay started softly, “I started it, I don’t know, about a year or so after the… accident… I’m not an expert though, but the Internet is a wonderful place. If you accept that the accident was not an intentional effort to kill me or harm him me then what you did is a felony crime not first degree. I found out that there are only seven states that have no statute of limitation on any felony, and that Wisconsin isn’t one of those states, they give you six years to prosecute for a crime. Let’s just say, if it makes you feel happier, that you are well beyond the reach of a criminal court now. I could however personally sue you, take civil action, make you pay that way for what you did”. Jay tidied the third pile into better alignment, his eyes still on the words in front of him.

 

“Is that what you are gonna do now?” Jensen asked softly, he hadn’t even taken time to research criminal law in Wisconsin. In his head he envisioned just turning up at a precinct and handing himself in, done deal. When he had decided to do this, to try and track down the family of the boy he had killed, all he wanted to do was make sure he found family first, to say sorry to…

 

“I can’t believe this has happened today” Jay said quietly, interrupting Jensen’s train of thought. “It started out as such a normal day”

 

“I don’t know what to say, I didn’t expect today to be like this. What do you want me to do? I want to say sorry-“

 

”Yeah I got that Jensen. I get that you accept responsibility for what you did”.

 

“So…” Silence again.

 

“What is it you do?” Jay asked.

 

”Do?” Jensen was shaken by the turn in conversation.

 

”With your life?”

 

”Oh, erm… lawyer, I’m a lawyer, with… I’m a lawyer…” Jensen stopped, “I don’t have a job now though, not after the last shit I pulled”

 

“Shit?”

 

“You don’t want to…”

 

“I do, this is kind of the point”.

 

Jensen just sighed, “lost it, in bed with this guy, both using, only he ... heroin... he injected and it was, I dunno, too pure, too mixed, shit, he died, I got slung into rehab by my doting parents, kind of lost my job, so yeah screwed”. Jay listened to every word, asking questions in his head where Jensen’s story had gaps; who was the guy, did Jensen inject his drug of choice, what control did his parents have over him to dictate where he went, what happened in rehab, had he been clean before?

 

Silence again.

 

“This is surreal” Jensen said standing and crossing to the coffee pot topping up his mug and crossing to Jay to fill his. He felt the shaking in his hands, could see the coffee slosh even as Jay jumped back. in his seat to avoid the hot liquid Gently, deliberately, Jensen put the coffee pot back and slipped back into the seat opposite Jay bringing a cloth with him. “Sorry” he said under his breath, placing his hands flat on the table in front of him and watching Jay wipe the table and the side of his mug.

 

“Cocaine yeah?” Jay asked reaching his hand out to stop the shaking in Jensen’s hand. Jensen flinched at the touch but didn’t move the hand nor shrug Jay off. The warmth of Jay’s hand was comforting, and he listened as Jay spoke in soft understanding tones. His voice like warm honey.

 

“I am a trained drug counselor you know, not a medic, but I work with the kids on the Churches programme. You’ve crashed, you’ve done phase one, agitation, depression, high cravings and fatigue, in rehab you would have had the physical symptoms, excessive sleepiness, excessive appetite, abdominal pain, chills tremors and aching muscles.” Jay paused, he wasn’t looking for Jensen to say anything back, he just wanted him to focus on the words. “Withdrawal would have been really hard; eight, maybe ten weeks of depression, you wouldn’t have been able to experience pleasure from stuff you normally loved, like eating, exercise, friends, sex, you probably had no energy, constant anxiety, high cravings”.

 

“Lonely” Jensen said softly, his eyes locked on Jay’s, “it was lonely”

 

“Now you are in extinction, Jen, this is gonna last years after drug use has ceased, you know that. You are gonna get episodic cravings for cocaine. These will happen for you in response to conditioned cues like stress, pain, and depression, joy, sex, more I suppose. All this stuff we can handle Jen, OK, I know you can handle it, I’ve seen this, I’ve seen people strong like you. One thing you shouldn’t be having Jen is the shakes now, you should be able to concentrate your anxiety and take away the shaking”

 

Jensen felt Jay’s hand tighten on his, a reassuring presence, a sudden sharp craving inside for Jay to take his other hand, which he curled into an uncompromising fist. He closed his eyes, bowing his head, willing so hard for the shaking in his hands to stop, for the itch under his skin to stop, listening to Jay, his nerves shredded.

 

“Extinction Jen, you are so far past all the shit, you’ve done the hardest bit, the bit that laid you bare. Let the trembling stop, you don’t need it, you need to get your center” Jensen wasn’t sure how long he sat there, concentrating on his flexing muscles, on the trembling in his hands, until finally they didn’t move anymore, and Jay’s voice was nothing more than a whisper in the quiet kitchen. Tears forced themselves from behind tightly closed eyes and a sob caught in Jensen’s chest, but he pushed it back, there was no way he was gonna cry like some freaking child.

 

“Look at me Jensen” Jay asked and Jensen raised his head opening his eyes, startling green, bright with unshed tears.

 

“What are we doing here Jay?”

 

“I’m not sure Jensen, but, I kinda think we need each other for a while”

 

“Steve is not gonna like that, Chris neither” understatement of the year

 

“They are good friends, they don’t want to see you hurt”

 

“Are you going to hurt me Jay?” _…because I feel raw, and so fucking scared, please just let me go and do my time, pay my penance, and then just hide somewhere..._

 

”I promise not to hurt you Jen, I just want to understand”

 

_I am so fucking scared, what the fuck do I think I am doing._


	9. Chapter 9

“Something I don’t understand though is... why now, why turn yourself in now? You’re a lawyer right? You knew about limitations, you must have known you had got away with it?”

 

Jensen blushed, “I skated, corporate law, I work… worked… for my father”

 

“Oh”

 

“Yeah, Oh. So you can understand there hasn’t been a great crime prosecution career”

 

“What about your friend, Chris is it? He sounded knowledgeable”

 

“Nah, he works for a sound studio, just has too many Law and Order reruns at four in the morning under his belt”

 

“He doesn’t sleep well?”

 

What is this twenty questions

 

”I don’t, he sits up with me, sometimes Steve does, I don’t mean to wake them, I just think they listen out for me”, pain started to build behind Jensen’s eyes, a sure sign of the start of one of his migraines, seemingly a constant companion since his last fall off of the wagon.

 

“What is the longest time you sleep normally?”

 

”Three hours, maybe four?” and the point of asking that is…?

 

“Night sweats, nausea, dreams” Jay counted on his fingers, Jensen focused on the fingers, patronising bastard counting it off like he is a child.

 

He swallowed as he contemplated telling Jay to get lost, that he knew nothing of nightmares, but a small part of him knew he needed to say something in response, he owed Jay that much. He started to press at his temples with his fingers, placing pressure there sometimes helped. “Some of the above, mostly dreams, odd dreams, nightmares, vivid”

 

“Do you ever dream of the accident?” Jay asked and Jensen blanched. Some of his most intense dreams, the subject of some of his most intense drug fuelled lows featured that night. He nodded, yes he did dream about that in glorious technicolour.

 

”Can you tell me about it Jensen, I mean I have the pictures, I have what people have told me”. Jay almost sounded eager for the details, excited, it unnerved Jensen and at the same time fuelled his already pain filled headache. How the hell was he going to explain this one, the sequence of events was so ingrained in him he could probably explain in his sleep, but actually detailing it to the man in front of him, the man whose eyes were bright with expectation... he didn't know where to start.

 

”I didn’t see you…” Jensen started calmly enough, “…the roads were icy, I put my foot down, I wasn’t concentrating, I slid, lost control and you were there. Just there. I didn’t see you and I couldn’t miss you”. He lifted his head to meet Jay’s still gaze head on, his eyes blurring with prisms of light from his growing migraine “when I hit you… you have to understand, it was like it wasn’t real… just a shape in the dark, a noise, a sudden stop, a shock. And then after that, the SUV slid, I don’t know, maybe 100 yards, ended up on the corner by the Church, the… you got dragged… pulled… under the… I stopped and you were in the snow. Grey snow, not white… blood, and you were dead. You were dead… half of your face… Jesus” Jensen dropped his head to his hands again. “Every time I shut my eyes I can see that Jay, see the blood, see the injuries”. Jensen stopped watching as Jay moved to distract himself, dropping his eyes from Jensen’s piercing green eyes and flicking through the pile of papers in front of him. 

 

Everything Jensen had said matched the forensic evidence at the scene… what little evidence there actually was. A few photos, a report, some eyewitness statements post accident, nothing meaningful. “No one actually saw anything, I mean, a few reports of a dark vehicle, nothing else, I have these…” his voice tailed off and he passed three photos to Jensen. Close ups of his face and neck, his side, his back. “They are quite intense, I mean, when they pulled me in they cleaned me up, the photos, they were taken later, apparently they lost me twice in the ER, people were trying to save my life, not collect evidential photos I suppose”. 

 

Jensen looked down at the photos, sudden sickness rolling in his stomach, it looked like special effects makeup, like a stage set, he couldn’t see the Jay that was sitting in front of him in the photos on the table. 

 

The shaking had started in his hands again, and his stomach twisted in protest, unconsciously he placed one of his hands over his heart, the steady beat reassuring, Jay reached for his other hand but Jensen pulled it back out of his reach. Jay said something, what he said Jensen wasn’t sure, it was just noise. Where had Steve gone? Steve should be here, this wasn’t what should be happening, sitting across the table from the young man he had left for dead, this isn’t right, where had the plans gone wrong? It was supposed to be clinical, find the family, talk to the family, hand himself in, do his time, and pay his debt. He’d only been out of rehab three days, everything was still cloaked in an unreal grey haze, what the fuck was this man doing touching him, sitting opposite him talking rationally, this wasn’t real, couldn’t be real

 

“How can you bear to touch me?” Jensen spat out sudden and accusing, the words harsh in his head, “What the fuck are we doing sitting in this fucking kitchen talking like we just… Jesus, what are you doing, why aren’t you calling the cops, or a lawyer?”

 

“In answer to the whole question I really have no single idea what I am doing here Jensen”

 

”Well if it is for me then please just know that I don’t want or need your help. This is creepy and downright… shit… scary. Are you gonna like, get me feeling secure and then what, murder me in my sleep or something equally crazy”

 

“I don’t really understand - ”

 

“You don’t understand? YOU don’t understand” Agitated Jensen stood and Jay stood startled, knocking back the chair, and taking a step back as Jensen approached him, crowding him against the wall. “I just found out today that a man I thought for nine years I had killed is still alive, I find out I can’t be tried for it, I find out he is some kind of do gooder who says he can sue me but will wait and see… is that a fair summing up of the situation?” he punctuated each sentence with a push against Jay’s broad chest, causing him to wince each time.

 

”Well, it does seem - ”

 

“And, what are you doing now. Look at me Jay. I am here. In your face, pushing you, shoving you, demanding answers and what do you do, you just let me, are you not even going to push me back”

 

“I’m not here too - “ Jay placed a hand on Jensen’s chest, pushing him gently but firmly away from his space. Jensen saw red at this calm reaction, this wasn’t what he needed, he needed anger.

 

”Come on, let’s get the real you, push me, swear at me”

 

“The real me?” Jay sounded at first confused and then anger actually started to seep in to his words. “What would you know about the real me?” He tried to push the anger away, this wasn’t him, he didn’t get angry, he understood situations, kept calm, level headed…

 

“The real you”, Jensen spat, pushing him back against the wall, “with your hair and your scars, hiding in church, with folders of research cataloguing the whole thing, like some kind of research geek”.

 

Something inside Jay started to boil, ”Hiding? You… taking away my life, leaving me with no memories, and you tell me now how I should react? Don’t you fucking get it, I don’t know how to react”

 

”Feel something real Jay, hit me, shout at me, let’s get the real you out in the open”

 

”I’m not gonna hit you” back off just back off

 

“You want to, you want to hit me, deep down you want to kill me, I know you - ”

 

The punch was quick and knocked Jensen to the floor and into a stunned heap in seconds.

 

“What the fuck?” Steve, at the door taking in Jensen on the floor and a heavily breathing Jay.

 

”I hit him”. Jay said, rubbing at his knuckles, his face white.

 

“You fucking hit him?” Steve repeated with added swearing.

 

“He asked me too”, Jay turned pleading eyes to Steve, this was so not how he pictured this happening, he had never hit anyone in his life.

 

“You hit him because he asked you too” Steve seemed incredulous.

 

”He was hysterical, he pushed me, told me how I should feel, I don’t want to hear how I should feel, he was pushing me to be angry”.

 

“What the fuck” Steve looked up at a stunned Chris standing in the door, turning back to a groaning Jensen.

 

”Don’t ask, let’s just get him up off of the floor” Jay moved to help, but Chris pushed past him and assisted Steve in getting his friend up off of the floor and over to the couch in the living room. Jay followed them in, pacing, rubbing his sore knuckles as they settled Jensen down, Chris darting to the kitchen and coming back with a handful of pills and some water.

 

“Jensen, take the pills man”

 

”Migraine?” Jay asked from a distance, recognising the same pills that Ben had in his desk drawer, all the time watching Jensen massage his temples, but no one answered him, fussing around Jensen, making him comfortable on the sofa, until Jensen finally lay back, pale and shaky and his eyes tight shut.

 

“I think you need to leave” Chris said confidently, moving between Jay and Jensen, a natural block.

 

“I’m not leaving” Jay replied softly, crossing his arm and leaning back against the doorframe opposite Jensen. Nothing Chris and Steve said was going to make him leave.

 

“You never had the scars removed, dealt with” Jensen said suddenly his voice hoarse, “the scene photos Jay, you never had the scars removed” look at how you are today; at the scars, livid from temple to throat, disappearing under the shirt like a parody of a tattoo. Jensen heard Jay sigh as he pushed away from the door and moved to sit on the single chair opposite the sofa and watched as he saw the younger man unconsciously lean forward, his long hair covering the marks. To his credit Chris moved to one side, agreeing to the unspoken request for Jensen to keep talking, and allowing himself to be pulled out into the kitchen with Steve’s muttered 'coffee man’.

 

Jay swallowed; he had had this discussion before. Sometimes with people who felt he should wear the scars proudly and sometimes with those who felt it was only right for him to get some kind of plastic surgery. “A lot of it was worse than burns and yeah, they said they could maybe sort it one day, but I had had enough, and to be honest, I couldn’t handle any more hospitals”

 

“So it wasn’t some sort of…” Jensen’s voice tailed off and he finished by gesturing at the scars with his hand.

 

”Badge of honour?” Jensen nodded and Jay snorted at the comment. “Nah, I’m not worried about a few scars, at the end of the day seeing the scars is a reminder of how lucky I am”

 

”Your hair then, you seem to hide…”

 

“Yeah, I knew you’d mention the hair. It kinda has this whole back-story of it’s own. It’s one thing to have the scars; it is another for one of Ben’s lost boys to bring attention to themselves with some of the congregation, so out of respect for what we are trying to do, I just keep ‘em covered”

 

It’s very beautiful hair, soft, messy, long, so beautiful to be hiding such awful marks

 

“I see”

 

“Do you get a lot of migraines?”

 

“It’s not a real migraine, not yet, and yeah, I think I fucked with my brain one too many times. This one isn’t so bad”

 

“You will get - ”

 

“You can skip brain damage 101, I know what I will get” there wasn’t anger in his voice, just a faint and surprising trace of humour.

 

“Then I need to be very clear why I am here. I am not here as a substance abuse counsellor, or a victim, or a friend, or an enemy. I suppose I am here as a combination of all four. The reason why I asked for a month? I just think that I need to work through this, so I can find some resolution, and maybe in the journey we can both learn things”.

 

“I just wanted to say sorry, I don’t want to learn anything, you don't get it, I just need to pay”. Jensen sighed and slumped back into the cushions, his eyes closing, his breathing soon becoming even and shallow as sleep took him.

 

“I think we are both already paying”


	10. Chapter 10

“I suppose you heard all that” Jay said softly to the men he knew were hovering outside the door.

 

“Difficult not to” Chris replied again entering the room and finding his natural position between Jay and Jensen. 

 

Steve sighed and sat down next to the sleeping Jensen, pushing him slightly and smirking as the younger man snuffled and curled into the cushions. “The meds for the migraines knock him out” he said to no one in particular, “so what next Jay? What are your plans now, is this little bit of revenge gonna be enough?” Jay leant forward, a look of earnest consideration on his face.

 

”I have no intention of suing him or any of that stuff you think I am going to do; it won't solve anything, I guess I think he owes me something personally, I’m not sure what, but I choose to have his time and I think that will help both of us”

 

“How do you think he can help you?”

 

”By helping me see if I have family? By having friends like you that may be able to track them down, if they even exist, cos I am kind of assuming you three come as some sort of weird package?”

 

“What the fuck…” Chris startled to bristle “…he is our friend, and we’ll not stand by and watch you - ”

 

“OK, we’ll do it” Steve interrupted Chris’s blustering, “we’ll try and help you find your family, we’ll do everything we can, but you have to promise to leave him alone after this is done” Steve indicated the sleeping Jensen as he spoke.

 

“If he wants me to leave him alone I will” Jay said calmly.

 

”That isn’t good enough” Chris spat out anger twisting his face, “Jen doesn’t have the back bone left to say no to anything - ”

 

“I think you are underestimating him” Jay argued, watching as Steve pulled at Chris until he sat on the side of the sofa next to him, watching Steve twist their hands together, calming Chris. A pang of sorrow hit Jay; it had been such a long time since he had had anyone that was an extension of him like that. “I think maybe people in his life make the mistake of seeing him as a man that has no control, no direction, but maybe now would be a good time for all of us to see his potential”

 

Chris muttered something softly that Jay didn’t hear and Steve swallowed whatever he was going to say, he wasn’t going to rock the boat until he had Jay’s agreement in writing that this whole thing was going to be left.

 

“So your family… where do we start?” Chris finally offered, wanting to push this along so Jay was out of their lives and he could concentrate on helping Jensen to heal.

 

“The bible” Jay suggested, reaching into his jacket pocket

 

Chris snorted “The bible”

 

Jay ignored him. “When I came too, in the hospital, Ben was there, everyone put my age around 18, but I had no name, Ben, he had a bible and he showed me some names, in Genesis, I have them” He stopped and ran his name down the well worn pages “Some of the names seemed familiar, like I had heard them, Seth, Adam, Jared, Noah. We settled on Jared but it didn’t seem right so we shortened it to Jay. I mean one of those four names would give us a start”

 

“Not much of one if I am honest, but more than we had just coming to find out information on a dead guy” Steve said shrugging, leaning into Chris, who unconsciously leaned back against him.

 

“I have some other stuff, some papers, maps, stuff that Ben used. He tried everything at the time, but that was nine years ago, maybe you could find something for me”

 

“Is this part of the deal of you leaving Jensen alone, not suing him, that we find your family?”

 

“I said I wouldn’t sue, I said I’m not taking this any further, anything you do for me would be a way to help Jensen heal”

 

”You are too freaking good to be true” Chris bit out, his voice louder, “do we look stupid?” Jay looked startled at the question, snapping himself out of his thoughts of family and a name that was his own. He didn’t quite know how to answer the question, of course he didn’t see Chris or Steve as stupid, was that how he was coming across? All he wanted was to know where he had come from, good or bad, it was time to know, he was done hiding, and if along the way, him and Jensen came to some sort of understanding, some sort of peace then that would be good as well.

 

“No”, Jay said softly, “of course I don’t see you as stupid. Please help me find my family, help me to help Jensen, then you won't see me again, you won't need to even think about me again”. Something in Jay’s soft and calm voice insinuated itself into Steve’s heart, some innate innocence that was simply Jay.

 

“We can do that Jay, we can find your family, you need to leave us to look after Jensen”

 

“Steve”

 

“Chris, what will it hurt?”

 

“Well at least get the whole freakin’ thing in writing for god’s sake” Chris pointed out.

 

“I can do that” Jay agreed nodding, “I can put it in writing that I want nothing from Jensen, except time, and nothing from you except some help to trace if I had a family”

 

Steve looked at Jay carefully, his head told him he needed it in writing, his heart told him that he could maybe trust the kid. He looked at the younger man, who was standing again, like the chair he had been sitting on was a prison. When sat he wriggled and moved and crossed and uncrossed legs, standing he moved from foot to foot walking in front of the seated men, always fidgeting. Steve was a people watcher, always had been, it was what had made him such a good aide in his early career. He could see excitement rolling off of Jay in waves, excitement and nerves and uncertainty, but he certainly didn’t sense guile or deceit.

 

“So Jay, we have four names that seem familiar, Seth, Adam, Jared, Noah, and an approiximate age of 18. Do you have anything else that is familiar to you?”

 

“Some dreams and stuff, more like flashes of stuff”

 

”Stuff” Chris interrupted, “that’ll help”. Jay ignored him, focusing on Steve’s questions instead.

 

”A small town, I don’t know how I know, just a town with that small town feeling, y’know” thoughts jumbled in Jay’s head, no rhyme or reason in how they came out, no order “snow, snow, yeah, and a school, and some names, nothing like mom and dad or anything like that, but Meggie, a name that keeps reoccurring in my dreams, and also basketball, I mean, I was good at basketball, I remember the feeling of jumping and running and the team and the whole freedom thing” he hadn’t stopped pacing, unaware of Jensen’s eyes opening or of him listening to the memory list. “What else? Smells, snow again, but that isn’t anything strange, we have snow here”, he shrugged and suddenly stopped pacing, his back to the men, his hands braced on the wall, “I sometimes have these incredible feelings of sadness, an overwhelming loss, of not being accepted, and I guess it has something to do with maybe being gay, I mean maybe my family found out and just didn’t want me, I only realised myself like, god, two years after the accident, but maybe I knew before, I mean you don’t switch it on and off” He shrugged again, the pain crossing his face momentarily and then replaced with the same hopeful expression he seemed to have perfected.

 

Steve stood, “Jay, we need to hit the Internet, let’s see if we can narrow this down”

 

They left the room, Chris turning to Jensen, piercing blue eyes catching jade green, both thoughtful, both needing to say something.

 

“You OK?” Chris asked, concern colouring his voice

 

“Fucking headaches” Jensen said groaning, “What is Steve doing?”

 

“Fuck knows Jen, fuck knows”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen slipped into the strangest routine he had ever known. 

 

Jay moved in to the spare bedroom at Steve’s and, with Jensen in the other, it was a house full of men. During the day Jensen spent a lot of time at Churches learning more about the way the church was helping the homeless kids that ended up on the streets in the city. Half of them had problems with drugs, some had sold themselves for money, a few had suffered abuse at home, it was a mine of pain and emotion. On his good days Jensen could actually see sense in what Jay and Ben were trying to do, on his bad days he couldn’t see the point.

 

Jay showed him his art, and Jensen swore he hadn’t seen better in some of the fancy schmancy gallery openings he had attended, and he was happy to see Jay smile at that. 

 

He met Andy, Jay hadn’t told anyone who Jensen was, so Andy got to know Jensen as a benefactor of the Churches initiative that simply wanted to learn the way that the chairty worked. If Andy found that unusual he didn’t say, and he actually struck up a friendship with the older man, mostly based around a joint love of football.

 

He sat in on some of the meetings that Jay and Ben had, watching Jay, learning the way he worked, he talked to Ben, saw Jay’s diplomas, his degree, learned more about the night of the accident from Ben’s mouth, cataloging every word away to think about in bed at night. He spent a lot of time thinking, regretting, hoping that he could find a way out of this and an incredible lot of time ignoring his dad’s phone calls. His dad knew where he was. He didn’t know why. Only Steve knew about the accident and he had done his job well nine years ago, there was nothing to tie Jensen to the accident, no rumours, no evidence, nothing. Jensen’s dad wasn’t happy, muttering about waste of money, and jobs, and law degrees, but Jensen knew what he was doing on the 10th of January, knew what he was going to do to his father and his father’s firm, knew he would be going back to work in the New year and dreaded the thought of it, and so he avoided talking to his dad.

 

His mom did contact him. Twice she managed to get past her husband and leave brief messages on Jensen’s cell. It made him smile to get them, Jay commented on the smile and Jensen was so damn proud of her he let Jay listen… Jen darling, just a quick one, Josh is trying to get hold of you, I wanted you to know I hope things are going OK for you, I love you babe. Jay couldn’t see why Jensen was so excited, it was a very short message, but then Jensen sat him down and explained about the family dynamic, or lack of it. He explained about his ex Governor father and his remote and domineering control over his wife and children; he talked of Josh and Mack and his fondness for them, whilst admitting in the same breath that he was an absent brother and uncle. Jay couldn’t for the life of him understand what pushed a brother not to love his siblings and his nieces and nephews. Jensen smiled sadly when Jay said that, I’m not a safe person to be around you know, mentally unstable, addict, and so on.

 

It was December 21st when he started to see Jay as a person and not solely just as a victim of Jensen’s stupidity.

 

“We do this thing on the 21st December every year”

 

”Thing?”

 

“Yeah me and some friends, the original group of boys, here the time when the accident happened, Ben’s original lost boys. Wanna meet?”

 

“Yeah, if I’m not intruding?”

 

“Nah, it’ll be nice for me to take someone for a change”

 

“Take someone” take someone?

 

”Yeah, a friend”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Mikey was the one whose apartment they all crashed this year. All very normal, just guys hanging out and a couple of girls who Jensen assumed at first look were girlfriends.

 

“Oh my god, Jay brought someone”

 

”Shut up Mikey, he’s a friend”

 

”Well hello there gorgeous” This from a short busty blonde who batted long eyelashes at an overwhelmed Jensen “Introduce me”

 

“Sorry man, Danny, this is my wife Anna, ignore her, she’s a complete flirt” Jensen shook Danny’s hand and in quick succession met Ryan and his girlfriend Sue and Mark, who incredibly was taller than Jay, and his boyfriend Liam. Mikey was on his own, no girlfriend here, apparently she was away filming, although that didn’t stop the other men taking the rise out of Mikey’s apparently invisible girlfriend.

 

It was a good evening, beer, pizza, talking, learning even more about the normally manic Jay who seemed relaxed here, in the company of his friends. He joked and laughed and tucked his hair behind his ears, no hiding, no sober quiet times, just unabashed pleasure here. It was good to see.

 

Danny proposed the toast, “To Tim” he said strongly, raising his glass and looking directly at Mikey.

 

“Forever 16” Mikey replied, and then everyone raised their glasses, repeating Tim’s name, even Jensen who just went with the flow. He didn’t ask who Tim was and no one felt fit to explain, just all sitting for a minute in silence, before Mikey stood and indicated for Jensen to follow him to kitchen for more beer, Jay stood as well, it didn’t bode well to allow Mikey and his radar for gossip too long with Jensen.

 

In the kitchen it was Mikey that started first “Tim was one of us, one of Ben’s first boys” he started looking to Jay to continue.

 

“Yeah, Tim, tall, blond, nice guy, his family found him took him home”

 

“So a happy ending then” Jensen queried, even knowing it couldn’t have been.

 

“No. Turns out abusive families don’t stop, they only stop when they kill”

 

“Man, I’m sorry” Jensen said softly, his eyes switching from Mikey to Jay.

 

”He was my friend and I kind of lost it when I found he had died, and your boy here stopped me from self destructing” 

 

“He’s not my - ”

 

“Mikey we don’t - ”

 

Jensen and Jay started at the same time and then stopped equally as embarrassed. Mikey chuckled, “Beer ladies, beer”

 

The group broke up just after one in the morning and shared taxi’s spat out drunk couples with Jay and Jensen the last to be dropped back at Steve’s house. Standing at the door Jensen was reluctant to go in, for the first time in months he had felt normal tonight, normal and accepted, and he didn't want to chance seeing Chris and losing that feeling under his unrelenting sarcasm towards Jay.

 

“You have good friends” Jensen said leaning back on the wall next to the door, half in the shadows.

 

”Kinda thrown together really” Jay admitted, perching himself on the top step, wrapping his coat round him, sensing that Jensen wanted to talk a bit more, the beer loosening his tongue.

 

“Yeah, strong ties though, Chris, I have known since I was like two, he is the son of my dad’s best friend and we are both huge disappointments to our parents”, Jensen smirked, sliding down to sit next to Jay, knocking shoulders, “Chris decided not to follow his dad’s profession, went into music, and then horror of horror revealed he was gay, which apparently was my fault according to both dads”. Jensen chuckled lost in memories; Jay didn’t interrupt.

 

“Steve was my dad’s aide when he was governor, he was the man that I ran to that night, he was like… I don’t know… almost like what my dad would be, only he didn’t have a lot of room to manoeuvre. He didn't have choices that night... you can't blame him Jay”, Jensen sounded worried

 

”I don’t, I’m glad you had someone to go to”

 

“Jeez Jay, I tell you the man helped me cover up my hit and run, and all you can say is you are glad I had someone, what is it with you?” There was no malice in Jensen’s tone, just questions and certain disbelief.

 

”Well I kind of already knew that. Steve and I have done the whole shit I’m sorry but I was the governor’s man and so on thing, nothing new”.

 

“OK, I just don’t get… no never mind… I like you Jay, you are really odd, I don’t really get you, but I like you” Jensen said, bumping shoulders again.

 

“I really like you too Jensen”

 

“Inside? I’m freezing my ass off here”

 

Jay stood first, holding out a gloved hand to help him stand, Jensen stumbled slightly as he stood, the beer buzz making him slightly disorientated, but it was OK, Jay was there to hold him, to support him, pulling him close before releasing his hold, smiling. “Hey old man, seems like you can’t hold your beer” Jay said and opened the front door watching as Jensen went through, pulling the door shut behind him. “Thanks for coming with me tonight Jensen”

 

“My pleasure Jay, I enjoyed it”

 

And then they split to different rooms.

 

It took a long time for Jensen to get to sleep, Jay’s smile imprinted on his retinas, the grin, the happy smile, a new side of Jay tonight. 

 

A friend.


	11. Chapter 11

Whereas the last four weeks had passed in a blur, the days up to Christmas seemed to pass by painfully slow.

 

Ben knew Jay always became introspective in the days between the 21st and Christmas Eve, too many memories to think through, or lack of memories even. This year it seemed heightened as he watched the tension build between Jay and Jensen. Jensen was bending over backwards, not that he hadn’t been helpful before, but now, he was hovering. Always there, bringing in items he had acquired by one means or another, stationary, books, desks, iPods, a couple of cell phones he swore were his old ones, but it was the laptop that pushed Jay over the edge.

 

“A laptop” Jay said, calm and blinking slowly

 

“For the accounts. I mean I know you and Ben - ”

 

“A laptop” Jay repeated, interrupting Jensen’s flow. 

 

Jensen clutched the box to his chest; somehow realising he had kind of crossed some invisible border. “Er, yeah?”, he took a step back as Jay uncurled his full height and just loomed.

 

“Jensen” he started calmly enough, “can I have a word?”, he indicated Ben’s office, “in private”. Jensen nodded, handing the box to a smirking Andy and frowning at Jay’s retreating back. Jay waited patiently at the door, let Jensen in, Jensen who may just have ducked a little as he scurried in. 

 

Just as patiently Jay shut the door behind them and leant against it.

 

“What did I do wrong Jay?” Jensen immediately wanted to get it out there that he knew he had somehow messed up.

 

“A laptop Jensen” Jay started calmly, patiently calm, deceptively calm. He didn’t have to say anything else.

 

”I’ve screwed it up haven’t I?” Jensen sighed, he supposed it was inevitable, “you don’t need the gifts, I’m bringing too much, I’m doing… I don’t know what I am doing… but whatever it is it is too much”

 

“That is more or less what I was going to say” Jay agreed, “you have a lot of money, we know that, we know what you are trying to do, but these kids here, they don’t need all this stuff, they don’t need iPods and phones, they need a whole different sort of help” Jensen could feel frustration building in him and he didn’t know what to say, he just stared, stared into Jay’s ever changing hazel eyes, slanted catlike in a face so angular and so damn beautiful. He tried to think of something to say, somehow to magically know exactly how to convey the frustration at feeling so bloody useless whenever he was within three feet of Jay. 

 

Jay just smiled that damn mysterious calming smile, so damn calm, and then he turned to leave. Took a step, moved toward the door, his hand reaching out for the handle, it was as if it was in slow motion, this subtle movement to escape Jensen.

 

“Jay” Jensen pushed out from god knows where, somewhere in the region of his churning gut, “wait”. Jay turned at the door, expectation on his face.

 

“Uh huh”

 

“It’s not OK, you know, it’s not OK, cos I don’t know what else to do, I mean, I’m not qualified to talk to these kids, I cant teach them anything, I don’t have anything for them, and all I do have is money, and until I figure out how I can really help, you need to let me do something I can do” Jensen fairly bristled with emotion, like he had so much twisted inside him and he didn’t know how to let it all out.

 

“Jensen, you’re a son, a brother, a friend, you’ve seen drugs, you’ve seen prejudice against your sexual orientation, you have every single thing these kids need, not least of which is experience”.

 

“I’ve never know hardship, like the kids have that you try to help, never known a day without a home, or money, or somewhere to run too, I have had it so fucking easy Jay”

 

“So you didn’t have the same reason for the push to drugs, you still did them, something in you will touch them, and jeez man, we have three kids out there thrown out because they are gay, come on, you are telling me you can't give them some advice about that?” Jay stood, his eyes wide with, what… anger… disappointment?

 

“Please don’t be disappointed in me Jay, please” the fight left Jensen and he slumped into the chair. Jay just looked puzzled and crossed back to crouch down in front of Jensen’s slumped form.

 

“Why would I be disappointed in you?” Jensen couldn’t answer, the grief and anger building inside him on top of the anxiety, his skin prickled with it, the need to let Jay know how he felt, but he couldn’t say it, couldn’t get his brain to connect his feelings into a coherent sentence. Jay placed one of his hands on Jensen’s knee looking up and under at Jensen’s face, concerned at what he thought were tears in his new friend’s eyes. “Jensen, why do you think you could disappoint me? Help me understand?” Jensen still couldn’t find the words, tears pushing at the back of his eyes, suddenly feeling very low and very pathetic, and just more of a disappointment. “Jen?”

 

Jensen’s hand moved of it’s own volition, like he needed to touch, needed to feel the scars for himself. He watched, almost detached, as his fingers moved closer to Jay’s face, but Jay caught his hand before he could touch the disfigurement. Jay looked at Jensen as the tears he had tried to hold back rolled down the older mans face, silent tears, his jade eyes sparkling, his lips parted as he tried to breathe. They sat there, for seconds, for minutes, until Jay released the hand and simply guided it to the side of his face, under his hair, his own hand covering Jensen to hold it tight to the marked skin.

 

It felt smoother than it looked, and he pressed gently against it, the warmth of Jay’s hand against his. Neither man said a word, as Jay moved the joined hands down his face, moving his head to one side, revealing his neck, guiding the hand down to where his shirt started.

 

“Does it go far?” Jensen asked, his voice broken and gruff. Jay nodded, he didn’t speak, couldn’t, just pushed Jensen’s hand under the top button of his shirt, pushing it to the middle until it rested on the bare smooth skin over his heart, Jensen could feel the steady beat, the rise and fall of Jay’s chest. Their heads were close, and Jensen unconsciously matched Jay’s breathing in rhythm and depth, a silence so perfectly complete, wrapped tight around them like a cloak.

 

Neither was entirely sure who moved, but when they leaned into each other, Jensen’s hand still on Jay’s heart, it was as natural as the breathing they shared, to then share a kiss, a simple press of lips against each other, no more, and Jay leaned back slightly.

 

”Alive” he whispered against Jensen’s heated skin, leaning back to expand the kiss, running his tongue across the seam of Jensen’s full lips, sighing as they opened and allowed him to dart his tongue inside to taste Jensen in full. No hands touched or pulled, only the connection of mouth on mouth kept them together, Jensen tilting left, Jay moving to press harder against him. The kisses becoming more heated as Jay’s hand curled around Jensen’s and pressed harder against his heart. They exchanged lazy touches of lips and tongue, not breaking contact, and it was singularly the most erotic thing Jensen had ever experienced.

 

Finally Jay pulled back, Jensen leaning forward unconsciously chasing for the kiss almost keening at the loss of Jay’s mouth. He blinked at Jay who just looked back at him steadily.

 

“Still alive” Jay repeated.

 

“What did we just do?” Jensen stammered.

 

“Jensen, this has been building since we were at Mikey’s” Jay said smiling.

 

“This isn’t right, you shouldn’t be kissing the man who left you for dead”

 

“I’m not Jensen, I’m kissing this amazingly gorgeous man who has wormed his way into my life, a man who shows incredible promise”

 

“You see stuff that I cant see” Jensen smiled back, “I think you do that a lot, with an awful lot of people”

 

“It’s a gift” Jay said laughing, stretching to stand, “how about a compromise Jen, we do need a new laptop, so we’ll keep it yeah? Course it’ll need setting up for the accounts and the - ”

 

“I can do that” I can do something useful. I’m not stupid.

 

“Then Mr IT guy, lets go, get this done, and start the next part of today”

 

“OK, I can do that”


	12. Chapter 12

Chris watched the growing friendship between Jay and Jensen with dread. He knew in his heart that nothing good could come from it, he almost wanted to be proved wrong, a small part of him was hoping that somehow his best friend would come through this and out of the other side unmarked and a better man. He doubted it though. He had seen Jensen fail on more than one occasion, seen him fall back to the alcohol which inevitably led to the drugs and which ultimately meant that he would need Chris to help him pick up the pieces.

 

Chris was there for Jensen every time; waiting at the gate, listening to Jensen’s promises that it would be different, that he could turn his life round, and he was there every time it went wrong for him, the shoulder to cry on, the person who could make it all go away, who organised rehab and hid Jensen’s problems from the world. Steve was there, always was, and had obviously been there for Jensen when Chris hadn’t with the whole hit and run incident, but still, the bond that Jensen and Chris shared was beyond friends, it was almost symbiotic, they needed each other.

 

“You don’t need Jensen” Steve said philosophically when Chris spoke to him about his worries concerning Jay and his influence on Jensen

 

“I need him, we're friends” Chris responded quickly.

 

”Friends don’t help people hide Chris” Steve argued patiently. They had had this discussion before. Steve always said there were three of them in their relationship… that Jensen was always there. He never once said they should leave Jensen to get on with his life, but Chris knew Steve felt Jensen would have been better to fail, in public, and to learn from it. But then Steve and Jensen had this huge fucking secret that Chris hadn’t been part of and at this very moment the acid of it was churning in the younger man’s stomach.

 

Why didn’t you tell me, Jeez, Steve, if you had just told me. They had talked about this for no small amount of time; no resolution reached though, just a kinda of hesitant acceptance and trust from Chris and an awful lot of apologies from Steve.

 

“Maybe if I had told you Chris, maybe if I thought you needed to know, Jensen wouldn’t have failed in himself so many times, maybe I was wrong”

 

“Steve, no” immediately Chris jumped to his partner’s defence, an instant response anytime Steve started to doubt himself in anything.

 

“Do you know what scares me Chris” Steve said finally, Christmas Eve, sitting next to the tree, beers in hand, with an honesty that can only come from alcohol and the cloak of a dark night. “I see you and me forever, I see Jensen here forever and it scares me, what if one day he isn’t here, he comes to terms with his life, he pushes it too far, dies…” he paused, raising the beer to his lips and tilting his head back, Chris watching with a kind of shocked horrified expression on his face half hidden in shadows. “…where will that leave us? Jensen needs us, but at the end of the day, we have let him, in a way, define our relationship, we expect him to need us”

 

“What are you saying... that if we didn’t have Jensen… that you think…”

 

“Chris, if we didn’t have Jensen to focus on, that singular thing that focuses us, what is there left for us?” Steve went to stand, his voice sad.

 

”Steve, tell me you don’t really believe that?” Chris pleaded, holding onto his lover’s arm and pulling him back, stopping him from standing.

 

“I don’t know what to think, Jensen is an obsession, his welfare is central to us…”

 

“No, I don’t agree, Steve, this is stupid, if Jensen wasn’t here…” Chris’ voice tailed off as he looked at Steve expectantly, Steve, whose eyes seemed suspiciously bright, “…this is the beer talking man”

 

“I’ve had one” Steve, lifted the beer, peering at it in the half dark, “well, quarter anyway”

 

”It’s Christmas Eve man, it’s that one night of the year to feel like you should be happy, and it is shit when you aren’t” Chris pointed out simply, “don’t get maudlin, talk to me”

 

“I have Chris, I’ve told you what I think, I think we need to give Jensen room to do his own thing, to make mistakes, lose it maybe, but we need to do that with the one thing we don’t seem to have where that idiot is concerned… faith”

 

”Faith. You sound like Jay” Chris said irritably.

 

“Faith in him as a person, stop expecting him to fail, stop mopping up after him, get him back to work, just back off and be friends”

 

“You’ve really thought about this”

 

“Yeah, I can see you losing it, slowly bit by bit you see Jay become more of a support to him, pulling him along with the fire in him that we can only imagine we have”

 

“Is this more of your I’m getting old shit” Chris pounced on Steve’s tired words

 

“No, this is a new one, this is my new rant. For fucks sake there are two of us and I want to focus on us, just us, for a change, not let Jensen go, be with him, but just for once, just once, let’s focus on us”.

 

Chris sat quietly for the time it took Steve to finish his beer, his hand still firmly holding onto Steve’s arm, feeling the muscles bunch under his touch. When the beer was gone and Steve had no more props for distraction Chris slid himself over to straddle Steve’s lap, pulling the empty bottle from his grip, placing it on the floor next to them and then cradling his partner’s face in his hands.

 

“I’m sorry babe, I really didn’t know you felt this way”.

 

”I know you didn’t, I’ve never really told you what I think, what I see”.

 

“Do you want me to tell you what I see when I look at you and when I look at Jensen?” Steve blinked; his eyes thankfully clear of tears, and totally focused on Chris. “I see you, the best man, the best person, that I have ever known, the man I love, and have loved since the day I first got him to take me out. I don’t see us an extension of Jensen’s world, I see us as… well just us… I suppose. But I can understand what you mean, I can, and if we didn’t have Jensen in our lives, I know in my heart that we would still be us”.

 

“Chris”

 

”Uh huh” Chris dropped small kisses to Steve’s face, squirming a bit on Steve’s lap as he felt his partner harden against him.

 

“I love you Kane”.

 

“I love you Carlson”.

 

“Bed, yeah? Jensen’ll be back soon and I wanna be tucked up with you well in advance”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

At the church Jensen had gone into helpful mode, he helped Mrs Anderson with her zimmer, helped Ben with leaflets, helped Andy with extra chairs, helped one of the boys with a school application, constantly asked Jay for things to do. The nervous tension in him was building faster than he could contain it and it buzzed in his head until he couldn’t focus on anything. Jay had made no move to kiss him again, had made no reference to it, but their eyes, god, they kept staring at each other, and that was unnerving and new. At first Jensen would just look when Jay was facing away from him, but after a trip into town everything had changed and now the tension between them was palpable.

 

Jensen knew the exact moment everything had changed, it had happened when they were last minute shopping for Steve and Chris, when he admitted he was wanting to get something for Jay, and Jay saying he wanted to go with Jensen. On a quiet journey into a heaving mall, Jensen watched as Jay pulled his hair forward across his scarring, pulling at his shirt so the hair fell across the collar. Jay may say he didn't worry what people thought, but unconscious actions belied that confidence in how he looked. It cut Jensen deep and hard knowing that he had done this to him, that he had made this beautiful man worry about what people said, albeit it inside locked away.

 

They had almost finished the shopping when it happened. It was hot and people were irritable, pushing and shoving and Jensen wasn’t really in a good frame of mind to deal with the heaving masses, pulling at Jay’s arm and virtually demanding a coffee break. Jay had eyed him worriedly as yet another small child barreled into Jensen’s legs and ran off screaming towards the grotto behind him. Jensen reassured him, just need a break, need to sit down, and caffeine, caffeine was a definite requirement. It was a good idea ,but one shared by about a hundred others, the queue winding in an indefinite snake past the shop front windows that extended either side of the one of many Starbucks.

 

It was Jay going quiet that alerted Jensen. Jay was never really quiet, he was never immobile, always talking or moving, a spark of energy that Jensen envied. Still he was quiet and immobile now, staring at something in the shop window; a display of books, posters, but no… not a the the books, he was looking at himself, an unconscious stare at his face, his hair tucked behind his ear in deference to the growing heat in the mall. What did he see when he looked at the scars? Did he see someone less than perfect? Not a whole person? Jensen’s stomach fell, he stared at Jay’s eyes, focused so clearly on the glass, until he must have felt Jensen’s eyes on him and Jay subtly shifted his gaze to meet Jensen’s reflection next to him. A smile spread across Jay's face, a dimpled smile, a grin, happiness in his hazel eyes, and Jensen couldn’t see half a person, couldn’t see scars, he could just see Jay, beautiful and whole and alive.

 

It was a singular moment in time that would live with him forever, compassion and possession and even a touch of lust twisting inside him for dominance. He was falling, and he was falling big time.

 

And so now, as the church Christmas eve service came to a close, Jensen sat next to Jay and the younger kids from Churches, counting down the minutes until he could give Jay his gift, desperately hoping for a repeat of the kiss, and feeling worse than a kid for wanting so much, for being so greedy.

 

The church emptied until only Ben, Jay and Jensen were left, standing in the office, locking money in the small safe, organising running times for the Christmas day service, talking about Jay and the Sunday school nativity, small talk, until at last Jensen just blurted out that surely it was time to go home. Ben smirked, Jay raised an eyebrow and Jensen silently cheered as Jay gathered his jacket and a pile of folders and started to walk out, calling a see you tomorrow Ben behind him. Jensen repeated the sentiment and scuttled after his housemate.

 

The journey from the church to Steve and Chris’s place was short, a world apart in neighbourhoods, but close enough to walk and in no time at all they were both sitting on the sofa opposite the tree, Jay with a beer, Jensen sticking to a Pepsi.

 

“Can I give you my presents now?” Jensen asked, so damn proud of the thought he had put into the gifts he had gotten for his new friend.

 

“But it isn’t Christmas yet - ” Jay smirked and Jensen waved off whatever he was going to say.

 

“Yeah, whatever, man, open this one first” he said to the younger man, dumping a large box on Jay’s lap, which Jay took an inordinately long time to open much to Jensen’s despair, finally revealing a bundle of oil paints and brushes.

 

“Wow” was all Jay could say as he looked from brushes and tubes to Jensen and back.

 

“I know you work in watercolours man, but I guessed you might like to try something new?” Jensen had an trace of doubt in his voice that Jay immediately picked up on.

 

“Jensen this is awesome, seriously, I’ve always meant to try, I’ll need to – “

 

“I got you some canvases as well, apparently you can't use the same ones as for watercolour and they are gonna be delivered after Christmas”

 

“Jen”

 

“Seriously, I can't wait to see what you do with them” Jay knew exactly what he was going to do with them, he was going to try and capture the spark of life in Jensen’s eyes, the excitement, the joy, and he hoped to God he was skilled enough to do that one thing. “I have something else, small though, don’t get excited” and with that he handed over a small, really small, tightly wrapped present which Jay opened as carefully as he could, revealing long thin pieces of leather. “I noticed you tuck your hair back…” Jensen said softly, “… you can use these to tie your hair back, you know for when you paint and stuff” Jay blinked at the man sitting next to him, not knowing what to say, that a gift so small should be such a powerful thing.

 

“Thank you Jensen, the gifts are amazing”

 

“Well, yeah…” Jensen ducked his head in embarrassment, “I have the receipts for the paint and stuff, but you are kind of stuck with the hair stuff” he raised his eyes when Jay didn’t immediately answer, watching with a small smile as Jay concentrated on tying back his long thick chestnut hair with one of the leather strips, not capturing it all but making a valiant effort.

 

“OK?” he asked Jensen, who just nodded at him, lost for words, as Jay passed him a gift, well two gifts actually, one a beautiful journal, the other an inscribed fountain pen with ink. “I hear you talking to the kids you know, you have stories, and experiences, I think you could maybe write them down, get it straight in your head, maybe look at printing it up? I dunno”, now it was Jay’s turn to look embarrassed as Jensen blushed.

 

“Yeah, I can do that” Jensen pronounced confidently, perhaps not feeling inside quite so confident at his writing skills, he was a corporate lawyer not a writer. Jay saw the confusion in Jensen’s eyes and just smiled, he had every confidence in the older man.

 

“Bed I think” Jay said, standing, and pulling Jensen to his feet, “early service tomorrow Mr Ackles” he added reaching over to turn off the tree lights and pulling Jensen into the hallway, together they climbed the stairs Jay’s room to the left, Jensen’s to the right. Pulling Jensen gently Jay leaned into a soft, gentle sigh of a kiss. “Happy Christmas Jensen”

 

“Happy Christmas”

 

And with equally disconcerted expressions both men made their way to their own rooms. 

 

Jensen focusing on tamping down want and need. 

 

Jay focusing on tamping down want and love.

 

Neither would sleep that well on Christmas Eve 2007.


	13. Chapter 13

The Christmas service was good. Happy. Lots of singing. Jensen could do singing. In fact he was very good at singing. 

 

He stood with Jay and the kids, the whole time focusing on the tall man next to him and the lingering memories of the kisses they had shared. He still felt like it was fundamentally wrong for them to be sharing anything except court time but still, Jay didn’t seem phased and they had relaxed into a friendship not like any Jensen had ever experienced before. For the first time ever Jensen had a friend that wasn't a carer. Jensen didn’t expect Jay to look out for him, to support him, to help him; if anything it was the other way round, and it felt strange and confusing. 

 

It was dark outside when the family service had ended and the church was empty, just Jensen and Jay, and some of the kids. the kids who were waiting on each other to finish assigned tasks before wandering off upstairs to continue their Christmas day. It didn’t matter what Jay said, Christmas was a time for gifts, and appropriate or not, Jensen had bought all of the kids small gifts, including extras in case of later Christmas arrivals. Jay didn’t tell him off, just smiled, yes, Christmas included gift giving, he had said enigmatically. 

 

Jay hesitated at the bottom of the stairs, looking back at Jensen. “You coming?” he asked simply, assuming Jensen would be joining the kids and him.

 

“I cant Jay, I need to do the whole parents thing” Jensen replied apologetically, the tone of his voice clearly anxious although he seemed to be doing his best to hide it, “I’ll meet you back at Chris and Steve’s yeah?” he paused for Jay to say something but all he got was a brief frown from the younger man, quickly covered with a the patented Jay smile.

 

“Yeah Jen, see you back there” Jay offered, still not moving from the bottom step.

 

“OK” Jensen didn’t move either, the anxiety in him at facing the whole family traditions starting to knot in his chest. Unconsciously his hand went to his chest, fisting and pressing against the weight he had there, a move Jay recognised from his observations over the last few weeks.

 

“Jensen, are you OK?” Jay asked gently, taking the one step to stand on the level next to the older man.

 

“Uh huh, I’ll get it over with, be back by eleven”

 

“Jen”, Jay felt like he wanted to demand to go with Jensen, to have his back, but Jensen hadn’t asked him, and maybe that was for the best?

 

”Yeah”, Jensen sounded uncertain, almost disconnected.

 

“You want me to come with?” Jay offered, softly, taking one step to squeeze Jensen’s arm reassuringly and bending his head a little to look into the older man's jade eyes. It seemed to Jay, from his perspective, that a weight had lifted from Jensen’s shoulders, or was he reading something into the relief that flooded Jensen’s expression.

 

Jensen felt hopeful and a little embarrassed, “God, yeah, please, I know that is selfish, jeez, I know that - ”

 

“Let me get my jacket” Jay interrupted smoothly, leaving Jensen stood in the shadows of the church with his mouth open. It had been that easy... all he had to do was ask.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The car journey wasn’t long, different worlds again but not long. No longer in the Governor’s mansion, Jensen’s family still had a house that befitted their status in the community, walls and gates, security on those gates, voice recognition the whole works. For a while Jensen sat in the car just inside the gate, wanting to explain to Jay what he may have let himself in for. He wanted to talk about his brother, his sister, his mom, wanted to warn Jay about his dad, that Jensen had never actually brought a friend to Christmas before at the big house, not even Chris, that they knew he was gay but that his dad was waiting for a cure. He wanted to say that inside of him he hated that he was bringing Jay to this home. Dysfunctional or not at least Jensen had a family... Jensen has stolen Jays... but all he could say, all he could think of, was one thing.

 

“He’s gonna hate we aren’t dressed in tuxes”, and then without waiting for a reply he let himself out of the car, hearing Jay follow until the two of them stood at the door, watching as it swung open gracefully. Jensen didn’t recognise the young girl who opened it but smiled nonetheless, he went to enter but she hesitated, “Jensen, black sheep” he said softly, wondering what she had intended to do, even if Jensen hadn’t already passed through one level of security, he must be double her weight and a good foot taller. She blinked carefully, but stood to one side, her eyes widening as Jay followed him in.

 

“Jay, black sheep’s friend” Jay offered quietly, and she blushed, closing the door behind them.

 

“Jensen” a squeal, a jump and a smaller female version of Jensen launched herself at him, at the last moment being caught and swung in the air, “you didn’t say you were coming”

 

“Mack hun, this is Jay, from Churches, a friend, a good friend” Jensen offered still with an armful of wriggling sister.

 

“Hey” Jay offered as another man, Jensen’s brother he assumed, followed Mack. He was less exuberant but still as equally pleased to see Jensen, pulling him into a three way hug with Mack, this must be Josh, the same green eyes.

 

“Uncle Jensen” small voices, as first one, then another, two small boys, clinging to Jensen’s leg, at any moment Jay expected the whole pile to topple over. Another woman, Josh’s wife, and then finally an older lady, striking in her likeness to Jensen. This must be where Jensen had got his innate prettiness from, the full pouty lips, the green eyes, the lashes that curled, his beautiful thick dark hair… Jay shook himself to pay attention as he was introduced.

 

“Jay, so nice to meet you, come in… dinner is ready in an hour, let us go and find Alan, he will be pleased to meet a friend of Jensen’s” Jay felt Jensen stiffen next to him but didn’t say a word, Jensen had explained briefly his dad’s disapproval of Jensen’s sexual preferences, and was bound to jump to the conclusion that they were a couple, even though they weren’t. At first he didn’t recognise it for what it was, as Jensen’s hand almost casually brushed his, but when it stayed, when it continued to be skin on skin, warm and needy, Jay simply opened his own large hand to capture Jensen's and tightened his own momentarily. More reassurance and a simple yes to the unspoken request for support. 

 

Jensen’s mom smiled softly behind them as she saw the gesture, it was good to see her son so close to someone that he would willingly hold that person’s hand, and that in return Jensen had someone who would want to hold his hand. Sending a quick prayer heavenwards for her husband to behave she ushered them all through to the dining room, decorated in a confection of reds and golds, candles flickering, lights in the tree sparkling against burnished tinsel, the smell of pine and wax a comforting reassuring warmth.

 

“Jensen” a deeper voice, a man stood at one end of the table, a finger of whisky in a cut crystal glass, impeccably dressed in a tux, an expression of mild disgust on his face.

 

“Dad”

 

“We didn’t think you were coming”

 

“I always do” Jensen started defensively, stopping as Jay squeezed his hand warningly.

 

“If you aren’t in rehab, I suppose yes”. Ouch, Jay stiffened at the same time as he felt Jensen sag. This was not happening, change the subject.

 

“You have a lovely home Mrs Ackles” Jay offered quickly, smiling as Jensen’s mom blushed.

 

“Thank you” she said softly, Jay frowned, it seemed her light had somehow diminished in the company of her husband as effectively as her sons had.

 

“And you are?” again the deep voice. 

 

Jay moved forward, holding out his free hand to shake, “Jay Andrews, I work at Churches, I work with - ”

 

“My son’s boyfriend I see” Alan Ackles said swiftly, not taking Jay’s hand and cutting off Jay’s explanation of who he was. This left Jensen wound even tighter. Then his dad changed the subject just as quickly, away from his son’s supposed boyfriend. “So Jensen, how long now?” Jensen knew exactly what he meant, how long has it been since his last hit, his last high, how long til his next one?

 

“A long time” Jensen said simply, “and never” he added on the end. Alan snorted his disbelief, and the rest of the group looked a little concerned that this was going to end in the usual face to face confrontation that always happened whenever father and middle son were together.

 

“Logan has cut another tooth” Josh said suddenly, a little desperately, and the moment shattered, Alan’s demeanor changed as he swung little Logan up in his arms, asking the small boy questions. Jay threw Josh a smile of relief and the older brother just shrugged and nodded, OK.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“It was painful and your dad is a grade A asshole” was how Jay summed up the whole Christmas meal experience and the Ackles house. Jensen looked at Jay apologetically, then back at the road. “On the plus side though, I love your sister, your brother is cool, his wife is funny and so clever, the kids are damned cute and not at all spoiled and your mum is just lovely. She’s a ghost in her own house, but she is lovely” Jay paused, wondering at the last part of the summing up. Donna was so quiet, reserved, cowed, but filled with so much love, so much affection.

 

“Yeah, she kinda is” Jensen agreed. He saw the same thing, a ghost of the person he remembered as a small child. He knew what he had to do in the January, knew what he was going to do would destroy his father. But his mom... what would it do to her, would it finally give her the reason to break free?

 

“Jensen… nickel for them”, he looked at Jay, at the concern, and even as he turned back to the road, he didn’t know what to say. He needed to tell them all what had happened; why he had lost it in the summer, what he had found that had undermined the progress he had made. Steve would be fired up, Chris would worry, and Jay? He imagined Jay would be shocked if he could see inside Jensen’s head at the levels of hate and revenge Jensen carried at times. 

 

“Not worth a nickel” he finally summed up, as he pulled into parking in front of the house, exiting the car before Jay could question him any more. Jay saw the move as what it was, an avoidance to talk but put it down to the strain of the Christmas dinner and shrugged it off.

 

They stood in the shadows at the top of the stairs for some time. All was quiet.

 

“How are you feeling now?” Jay asked softly. Jensen reached for Jay’s hands, holding them in his, gently, not gripping.

 

“S'fine, used to it. Thank you for coming tonight, I don’t think I would have been able to…” his voice tailed off, “… I’d have lost it… within five minutes. I usually end up in a blazing row with him, and then, mom cries and the whole thing is ruined, and I think after last year my folks deserve one good Christmas”

 

“It was good Jensen, I did nothing, was just there if you needed me” he suggested softly.

 

“Thank you. Just thank you” insistently he pulled at Jay’s hands, pulling him closer, the gentlest of kisses, a promise, and then they split to their own rooms.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“I think I have found something positive, a hit on the name Jared” Steve announced a few days after Christmas, his hands nervously scrunching a sheaf of papers in his hands, Jay’s original papers. Silence fell in the room, Jay paling, Jensen apprehensive as to what Steve would say.

 

“What?” Chris asked softly, when no one else said a word.

 

“Jared Tristan Padalecki, went missing 12th November 1998, aged 16, family filed a missing persons in Madison, Wisconsin”.

 

Silence. Sixteen? They had said Jay was 18, maybe 19, how could that be him?

 

“How likely is it?” Chris asked watching as Steve leaned against the door as if the very breath was taken from him. Jay stood, Jensen as well, grasping at Jay’s hand, for support, for encouragement.

 

“Steve?” Jay asked, his voice low. Steve said nothing, just passing the reports to Jay, the photos, the details and the names. Jay looked at the photo, then closed his eyes, a small sigh of air, then passing Jensen the photos.

 

A young man, tall, happy, smiling, Jay, nine years earlier.

 

Jay.

 

With no scars.


	14. Chapter 14

“Oh my god” Jensen said, gripping hard on the photos, the evidence, the mom, the dad, the sister, the brother, everything that he had taken from the young man nine years ago.

 

“Sixteen?” Jay said breathlessly, shocked, his eyes glazed, “I was sixteen. They said I was older, said I was 18, maybe 19…” his voice tailed off as he looked from the photos in Jensen’s hand to Steve. “…are they still…” he didn’t know how to ask, were his family alive, well?

 

“I need to do some more digging Jay, but the sister in college, the brother who is a surgeon, dad is retired, and mom, she is a teacher, still works part time. The girl, her name is Meghan”

 

“Meggie?” Jay said wonderingly, that was the single name he remembered, Meggie.

 

Steve nodded; looking from a shell shocked Jay to a positively sick looking Jensen. Jensen who didn’t look all that steady on his feet, his freckles standing out in stark relief on his colour-drained face. “Jen?” he said softly, watching as Jensen blinked and dropped the pictures on to the table, his eyes darting to Jay and away just as quick, like he couldn’t bring himself to look at Jay.

 

“So what now?” Chris asked the question everyone wanted to ask, his voice unsure, not at all convinced what they should be doing next.

 

“I guess, that is pretty much up to Jay, I mean, in normal cases I would approach the family, get more evidence…”

 

“You don’t need more evidence Steve, it’s obvious, he has a family” Jensen spat out with an almost vicious edge to his voice, and then dropping the photos back on the table he left the kitchen, pushing past Steve in a flurry of movement. Jay just watched him leave, frowning and slumping back into a chair, picking up the papers and photos Steve had tracked down. He focused on what was obviously a family photo used in the initial missing persons report, his fingers tracing each person. He was tall for 16, if that was the latest photo of him, very tall, not as tall as his brother though… Jeff, according to the accompanying fact sheet… Jeff who seemed to have at least three or four inches on him, but maybe he had caught up now, and then Meghan, Meggie, pretty, dark haired, as were they all, a young child, maybe four or five years younger than the middle brother, her smile in the photo had a certain innocence about it. 

 

He stopped on his mum, hesitated, did he remember her touch... her affection... would he remember he had a place in this family, or would he remember hatred or fear. What had driven him to run away from home? Was it just a childish whim, a teenage rebellion, was it because they couldn’t accept he was gay, had he even been openly and accepting he was gay before the accident?

 

Someone slid in the chair opposite him and he looked up, Chris, a surprising source of comfort with a reassuring smile on his face. “You ok Jay?” he asked simply, but Jay didn’t know what to say, or even how to start answering that loaded question.

 

“Jared” he replied softly, the name stretched out on his tongue, the two syllables alien to him, “Jay-red” he added, “I can see why I picked Jay, maybe… maybe that is what they called me, you know, for short, or… JT, Jared Tristan, I don’t know. Chris, I don’t know if I am OK”

 

"What can we do?" Chris asked as Steve stood behind Jay, a reassuring hand on his shoulder, a gentle squeeze. Steve had an incredible amount of affection for the young man. Chris, despite his misgivings with the whole Jensen thing, well he kind of liked Jay too, enough to call him a friend.

 

“I guess…” Jay stopped, shuffling the papers together, “I guess we need to maybe go visit, go see them” unconsciously his now free hand went to the scarring on his face, he worried at his lip with his teeth and he tilted his head so that the curtain of rich dark chestnut hair fell across the markings. None of these movements escaped Steve’s notice or Chris’s and they exchanged a brief worried look over Jay’s head.

 

“Is that what you want to do Jay? Chris and I could go and do the initial visit, just make sure”

 

”That is me in the photo Steve, me” Jay started, “that much is obvious, I think I want to go, see if…” his voice tailed of and he looked up and back at Steve, “will you come with me, will we all go?”

 

There and then Chris took that final step closer to friendship, grasping Jay’s hand and pressing it soothingly, “we’ll be there” he said, brooking no argument from Steve or Jay as to his attendance on the road trip north, “I can’t speak for Jensen, but Steve and I will be there with you every step of the way”. Jay was kind of taken aback at the strong compassionate tone in Chris’s voice, he had never really thought Chris felt that much for him, understood Chris saw Jay as more of a hindrance to Jensen than a help, but this… this new iron willed support… well that was all right, he needed that.

 

“Imma gonna go find Jen” Steve announced and left the other two men in the kitchen, Chris still held Jay’s hand, squeezed it gently.

 

“I should maybe think, maybe try and remember stuff” Jay said quietly, looking back down at the photos, at the smiling family group, wondering when it had been taken. It looked cold and grey against the official police declaration for missing person, and the other one, the blown up version of his face from the same photo. “Didn’t they have any photos of me?” he said to no one in particular, “just this one, this family one?”

 

“It looks like a posed shot Jay, maybe it was the most recent they had, it doesn’t mean they didn’t have other photos as well” Chris pointed out logically.

 

“Yeah I know, I suppose… I always wondered… why they didn’t find me, why they stopped looking?”

 

“We don’t know Jay, we need to ask, they’ll be a reason, it looks like a happy photo man”

 

“Thanks Chris”

 

“What for” Jay shrugged, he wasn’t thanking Chris for anything in particular, “It’s cool Jay, it’s cool”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Steve finally found Jensen. Sat on the wall in the garden, his breath huffs of white against the cold air, his hands wrapped round him, cold and shivery. He looked… well there wasn’t really any other word for it… desolate. Broken and ill and very pale.

 

“Jensen?”

 

The younger man looked up and smiled briefly at Steve. “Hey” he said in response to his name.

 

“You hiding man?” Steve asked, and wasn’t at all shocked to hear the self derisory hmph that came from his friend.

 

“I’ve been hiding Steve. Hiding for nine years, and now it has finally caught up with me, like I knew it would one day”

 

“In what way has it caught up with you that it hadn’t already the minute we found Jay alive and well”

 

“I cant explain…” Jensen shook his head, almost sadly.

 

”Can you maybe help me understand then?”

 

“He has a family Steve” Jensen raised stricken eyes that were wet with unshed tears, sparking in the endless green. Steve knew what Jensen meant, knew exactly where his head was going.

 

“We knew that was a possibility, that is what we were looking for, his family”

 

”Yeah, yeah it was, but not this, not knowing that I snatched the man’s family away from him. Sixteen Steve, he was sixteen, a child, a runaway, and I stole the only life he had. Jeez, it wasn’t a bad life Steve, he had a family, a sister, a brother, a mom and a dad, the same as me, and they could have… we could have… if I had stayed, maybe we could have found them then”

 

“Nine years Jensen, you can’t go back and second guess nine years, we’ll go to this family, we’ll support him, and then you can decide with Jay what you are gonna say or do, yeah?”

 

“He may not even want me there” Jensen said sadly, bowing his head, already deciding what he thought Jay would say.

 

”I do” Jay’s voice, from the kitchen doorway, “I do want you there” Jensen looked up sharply at the firm words, to see Jay, leaning against the door, it made Jensen’s heart stop, to see him there, asking him to stay, strong and certain. Jensen smiled tentatively.

 

If Jay wanted him to be there, then he would be, whatever that meant, whatever the implications.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Steve and Chris sat in the front, Steve driving, both of them talking softly. Jensen had chosen to sit in the back with Jay, and unconsciously had reached for Jay’s hand. So much was said without words as Jay squeezed back but Jay knew something was churning in Jensen’s head, his eyes were closed, his head leaning back on the seat and the palpable tension radiating from his body.

 

“Jensen, are you worrying on my behalf?”

 

It took Jensen a good half minute before he could even bring himself to look at Jay, let alone talk about what was actually on his mind. The reason he didn’t say it… it was selfish and he knew it, a selfish question, a selfish concern. He wanted to know if Jay was going to tell his family what Jensen had done, so that he could be prepared, but he couldn’t ask it, couldn’t say it.

 

“Nah…” he finally offered, “…excited for you”, Jay smiled again and turned back to looking out the window, the GPS indicating that they had five minutes to destination. The house was about a mile or so away from the four sets of traffic lights that seemed to mark the extremities of the small town. Jay looked. He watched carefully, but nothing bought any clear memories. He wasn’t disappointed at the lack of memories; he knew the name Meggie, that was one clear link to his family and for Jay it was enough at the moment.

 

They pulled up in front of a house, one of many the same in the street, simple, suburban, small, a sprawling lawn, one car in the drive, nothing marking it as anything different, no great significance. Steve and Chris climbed out of the car, standing quietly, as Jay steeled himself to climb out. Jensen stopped him, not releasing his hand, and Jay frowned, tilting his head to one side.

 

“If you need to go, if this isn’t working right, you tell me and I will get you out of this” Jay’s frown turned to a smile and on impulse he leaned as far as the belt would allow and dropped a small kiss on Jensen’s cheek, before releasing the belt and opening the door, unfolding his six four frame and stretching into the weak winter sunlight. Jensen followed, until, ranged around Jay, they stood at the front door waiting for their knock to be heard.

 

The door opened, an older man, dad, a look of interested welcome on his face, a question in his eyes, a growing wariness as he took in the men ranged at his front door, then a slack jawed surprise, a shock, a stumble as he grasped at his chest, and Jay leapt forward to catch his dad, sensing others behind the older man.

 

”I’m fine, I’m fine” he said reaching for Jay’s hand, pushing him back slightly so he could see his face. “Jared?” his voice was hoarse, “JT, oh my god, where, why didn’t you…” and then the older man started to cry, on the doorstep, his lost son in his arms. Steve gently encouraged the group inside, and in the few seconds this took them, an older woman, with a phone to her ear, chestnut hair, hazel eyes so like Jay’s, moved to stand next to them, her hands at her mouth, moving until her back hit the wall, a shocked look on her face.

 

“Jared?” she asked softly and tears blurring his eyes Jay moved to take a shaking hand away from her mouth.

 

“I think so” Jay said softly, nodding his head and glancing from his mom to his dad. His mom didn’t move, gripping tight to Jay’s hand, pulling him, “my boy” she whispered, “Jerry, please…” she looked helplessly from her son to her husband and he took the phone from her shaking hands knowing it was Jeff she had been speaking too on the other end.

 

Dismissing Jeff's questions as to what the hell was going on he simply said “Jeff, dad, get here now” and then he disconnected the call, looking expectantly from mother to son, watching as they stood inches apart, Jared stooping to look into her eyes.

 

“Mom, please don’t cry, I don’t…” his voice tailed off, what could he say? She lifted her other hand, touched the raised scarring on her son’s face gently, her hazel eyes swimming with tears, her own face paling as she traced the texture, her fingers tangling in Jay’s long hair.

 

“Jared, please… tell us… what happened?”


	15. Chapter 15

“I was in an accident, I… I don’t have memory of what happened, or anything before”

 

Sherri Padalecki wasn’t really listening, just touching and searching and pulling Jay into her holding him tight, her hands curled and gripping into his jacket, murmuring words only for his ears into the bunched material over his chest pushing into the arms that he wrapped around her.

 

Gerry stood, his mouth open, looking from one man to another, words failing him, a jumble of emotion, of feelings he could identify rushing in his head. “Who are you… did you find my son, where…I mean… how…” his voice tailed of and he raised a hand to his hair twisting and pulling it back from his forehead. Jensen couldn’t see Jay in his dad, in his mom yes, but nothing of Jay in his dad, he didn’t know where to start either and he looked to Steve for inspiration, for guidance.

 

“Sir, Mr Padalecki - ”

 

”Gerald, Gerry, please”

 

”Gerry, my name is Steve Carlson, I’m a private investigator, we were tasked to find your son, we didn’t…” how much to say before he dropped Jensen into the middle of this? He looked at Jensen, into clear green... calm and accepting eyes, His friend had the same look as when he initially told Steve he wanted to find the family, that same wish to admit and to be punished for what he did. But this time it was wrapped in the heat of what he felt now, for the man he had wronged so long ago, the man who was teaching Jensen to forgive himself. Steve swallowed, “it was a cold case, one we often get asked to look into” he lied, seeing a brief flash of sadness in Jensen’s face, before looking back at Gerry, “we were lucky, things fell into place”

 

“And now we have our son back…” a single tear tracked down Gerry’s face, “we have our son back and we have our second chance. I don’t know how to thank you…” Chris was closest, and bore the brunt of the manly hugs that happened next, a brief press from Gerry and fevered words of thanks, pleas that they stay, talk, meet Jared’s brother and sister, his nephews. Every word Gerry said, every thank you, every plea for the other men to stay sent individual knives of hurt and guilt through Jensen’s heart.

 

This couple, they seemed so normal, nice, so lost, fighting their way back from losing a son. But what did he expect? That they would turn out to be parents from hell, making it somehow a good thing that he had been in the accident? That somehow Jensen hitting him meant Jay had the chance of a new life away from his awful family. Well that wasn’t going to happen any time soon; nothing Jensen was seeing was anything less than passion and love and shock, certainly no hate or disgust anywhere.

 

“Please, come into the kitchen. Sherri, let go of Jared, bring him through, coffee, whisky, Sherri, bring them through, boys, please” all this time Gerry was pulling Chris back into the heart of the house and through to the large kitchen finding mugs and fussing around drinks, realising that Sherri and Jared hadn’t followed, smiling apologetically at his guests and walking back out of the kitchen to find them.

 

They hadn’t moved, Sherri wrapped around their son, Jared’s face buried in her neck, her own chestnut hair, shot through with grey now, lighter against Jared’s darker more tangled length.

 

“Sherri, Jared, you want to…” his wife lifted her head, her face wet with tears, eyes red, her lips pressed tight together, determination in her features, in the way she held her son, with a quiet desperation.

 

”We need to tell him Gerry, he remembers nothing”

 

”Sherri we will... we will... we promised, we said if we ever got another chance, we would - ”

 

“Tell me what?” Jared asked softly, Sherri pressed a shaking hand to her mouth, her breathing erratic, her eyes wide.

 

“Why you left, what we did to you”.

 

“He may not be ready for this - ”

 

“You came to me…” Sherri interrupted, holding up her hand to stop Gerry speaking "you came to me, and you told me, you said you thought you were gay, that you needed me to understand - ” she stopped, raised her eyes to Jared, seeing nothing but a quiet compassion in them, “I let you down Jared, I turned to the church, you have to understand that I thought the church would guide me, it was the one place - ”

 

“Sherri, don’t, you can leave this - ”

 

“Gerry please” she looked from husband to son, “I looked for what I needed, I read and I prayed and I asked for help, and I decided. I decided wrong, I gave my son, my sixteen year old son an ultimatum, choose his family or the teachings of the church, of what i believed to be right. It was bitter and nasty and so very wrong and you ran, you left Meggie a note and you ran, and we lost you, nine years Jared, we lost you, and it was all my fault”

 

“Mom” Jared said simply, he had already guessed, and mostly come to terms with, the fact that it was likely a teenage problem, maybe even a family’s reaction to his sexual orientation that had made him run. He wanted her to see that, but she stared at him, a blank, almost horrified expression on her face, Jared frowned, what had he said, just a single word, mom.

 

“You called me mom”, Sherri said so low Jared had to strain to hear it.

 

Jay smiled softly, “Whatever happened, whatever decisions we all made in the past, you are, and always will be, my mom” it was the truth, the total truth, and nothing more than what Jared felt in his heart.

 

“Jay?” Jensen’s voice... Jensen’s soft gruff questioning voice; concerned, coming to check up on him. What made Jay move he would never know, what made him grasp Jensen’s hand in front of his parents… a declaration… a defiance?

 

”Mom, Dad, this is Jensen” he said softly, at the same time as grasping Jensen’s hot hand. It happened in seconds, his mom’s face crumpled, literally creased in tears in front of him, Gerry immediately at her side, his face showing the same distress as his mom.

 

“Your boyfriend” Sherri’s tears turned to a smile, a crooked pain filled smile that reached her eyes even through the tears, “Oh Jared, I’m so happy for you, you found someone, all this time you have been happy”, Jared opened his mouth to say no, that Jensen wasn’t his boyfriend, but a warning squeeze from Jensen’s fingers stopped him.

 

“Jeff will be here soon son, he doesn’t live too far, kitchen, come on”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jeff broke every speed limit to get across town with Meggie following in his dust, the shouting the crying, he was freaked.

 

No more freaked to see an almost mirror image at the kitchen table, his brother…

 

Jared, you never told me, why didn’t you tell me, I was your older brother, you could have come to me, Jesus JT, fuck.

 

Meggie followed in the car behind, foot to the floor trying to keep up with her brother, wondering what the hell was pushing him like he was trying to outrun the dogs of hell.

 

Jared, her adored older brother, the one who sat with her, read to her, left her a note…

 

I’m sorry, Meggie, I remembered your name…

 

Jay, why did you go?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

At some point they had moved to the den, Jensen choosing one end of the large sofa, Jay sliding up against him, resting half against the older man and clinging tightly to his hand.

 

Jay was blown away, his family… they were unique… they unconditionally wanted him… no questions, no staring at his scars, no disgust at his disfigurement, just excited acceptance. He had two nephews, 5 and 2, a sister in law, a soon to be brother in law, a brother who was a trained surgeon but had settled for local practice in the town he had grown up in, and a sister who thought the world of him. He slotted in nicely here, and despite what must be an incredibly uncomfortable situation, Jensen was sat quietly listening.

 

Steve and Chris had left hours before comfortable in the part they had played, Jared was staying, his family insisted on Jensen staying too, they had an annexe, Jeff’s old room, an extension, with a kitchen, they wanted Jensen to stay as well, it was private, maybe just across New Year, just the four days, three… even if it was only two?

 

Jay agreed. He agreed for both of them, using his intuition that Jensen wouldn’t mind, or even if he did he would suck it up, useful thing having power over someone.

 

They closed the door behind them, Jensen crossing to the bed and sinking down to sit, Jay leaning back against the door, closing his eyes.

 

”Are you OK Jay?” Jensen asked sympathetic to the roller coaster of emotions that Jay had experienced today.

 

Jay smiled, his eyes still tightly shut, “overwhelmed, total overload” he acknowleged the day in those three words.

 

“I’m so pleased you… that we… jeez” Jensen dropped his head in his hands, grimacing at suddenly losing the power of rational speech.

 

”Yeah, me too” Jared smirked from the door, “bed, I need to sleep” he lifted his head from the door to look down at a suddenly bemused Jensen who indicated the small room, the large bed and the unnamed elephant in the corner. Then they looked at each other and just laughed. Jensen scooting back and laying back on the bed, Jay coming over and flopping down next to him, both fully clothed. Jay lasted about a minute before sheer exhaustion claimed him and he fell asleep with a smile on his face and his body relaxed. Jensen took longer, taking time to remove his jeans and button down, releasing the fly on Jared’s jeans and easing them down his friends impossibly long legs, Jay never protested or woke once so deep had sudden sleep taken him. At least they'd both be comfortable.

 

He hesitated for a moment, looking at Jay’s… at Jared’s… sleeping face, his long soft hair in disarray about his face, his lips relaxed and slightly parted, and something made Jensen lean forward, kissing the end of his nose in an affectionate touch. His head was screaming with what ifs and unanswered questions, but as he laid back down, a warm hand curled into the shirt across Jay’s chest, he felt as if all his doubts, all his insecurities were just sucked from his body and held away from him for a short time just so he could sleep. They would be back tomorrow. But tonight… tonight he was going to sleep.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

When Jay woke, the dawn was pushing it’s way through the thin curtains, a unique light that painted the room in eerie pink shadows, and at first Jay was confused, several things hitting him at once; the ceiling was wrong, the light was wrong and the warm body curled into his was wrong… not wrong…

 

Jensen.

 

He turned his head, face inches from Jensen, looking at the soft pale skin, the freckles that marked him, the soft lips, the impossibly long lashes that laid flat against strong cheekbones. He was beautiful, a beautiful man inside and out, and Jay was even starting to think that maybe Jensen could see the beauty that was on the inside of him, the beauty that Jay could see all the time.

 

“Are you staring at me?” Jensen asked softly, not opening his eyes, although his lashes fluttered almost imperceptibly.

 

Jay chuckled, “yeah, suppose I am, just thinking how pretty you are Mr Ackles”

 

“Pretty?” Jensen said, cracking open a single eye, squinting into the burgeoning morning light.

 

“Is that an offensive thing to say to you…” Jay commented, “…I can stop if you like”

 

Jensen used his one open eye to look down at his traitorous hand curled into Jay’s white button down shirt, flexing and releasing his fingers and actually finding himself blushing. “Nah, s’ok, you can say that if you want”. He closed his eye, curling his hand back into Jay’s shirt, sliding fingers under to touch heated skin, and resting his head back turning it slightly into Jay’s warm neck, content.

 

At peace.


	16. Chapter 16

_“No, I don’t understand Jensen, I can’t see why you would want to do that” Jay was nearly in tears, his back against the door, his body rigid, as if Jensen was going to physically push him out of the way and just go and damn well do what he wanted to do._

 

They had woken in peace and it had lasted all of five minutes.

 

_“You planned this all along didn’t you, you wanted to be here so you could… what… get my brother to kill you, get my dad to pull a gun on you, get my family to hate you?_

 

Five minutes of gentle touches and whispered words, something in Jensen’s eyes troubled and dark, his hands curling reflexively into Jay’s shirt where it had been all night, his eyes pleading.

 

_“Jay, I wanted to be here for you, to support you, to find out what kind of family - ”_

_“No you don’t, you didn’t, you just delayed the whole punishment thing, and I thought that we had got past that destructive need to hurt yourself”_

_“I’ll never get past that Jay, I’m an addict, I always will be, I hurt myself every day that I used, and do you think I really want to stop now? I mean really stop?”_

_“Jen” Jay’s voice softened, but Jensen just shook his head, the fingers of his left hand scratching at the skin of his face, a million ants crawling under his touch, a need and a want for the high, the numbness, a desire so bad it made him want to scream._

 

Five minutes peace.

 

Then Jensen had said what he needed to say, what he was desperate to get out.

 

_“We need to tell your family it was me”_

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared slid down the door until he sat with his back to it, his knees pulled up, his arms wrapped round them, his eyes filled with the pain of what he could only see as betrayal.

 

“Why would you do this Jensen? Why would you want to destroy this for me?”

 

”I’m not destroying it for you Jay… Jared… they’ll know… you can move on, be with them in truth, not with some half assed lies that you thought of on the spot” Jensen was pacing, truly pacing, agitation coming off of him in waves, Jay hadn’t seen him this wired before, apart from that first meeting in the church, had only seen Jensen calm, relaxed, in control. So what had pushed him this time, why had he lost it so spectacularly in the last few minutes? “Let me through Jay” he demanded irritably.

 

“No” Jay responded stubbornly as Jensen reacted with a press of tight lips and a sharp inhale of breath.

 

“You are gonna try and keep me in the room? In this room?” Jensen’s face turned mutinous, his skin sheened with sweat, his eyes wide, his hands clenching at his side.

 

“Yeah” Jay was brooking no argument, he had his own stubborn streak that he could use when he wanted.

 

“I could get out if I wanted to Jay” Jensen said determined, still pacing.

 

“Uh huh” was all Jay replied, his head spinning with what Jensen was going through. His first thought was to phone Steve. Steve had seen this before, could maybe talk Jensen down, talk him out of this stupid idea of revealing everything to his new found family, talk him down from this suffocating low. Reaching into his jeans he thumbed through his contacts, aware of every jerky movement in the man standing in front of him, until he connected with a tired sounding Steve. He skipped the pleasantries, “Steve, it’s Jensen, he isn’t so good… uh huh… pale, anxious, sweating, he wants to tell my parents everything… OK… yeah”

 

Jay held up the phone to Jensen, a plea on his face, “talk to him” Jensen took the phone like it was hot, placing it to his ear and immediately launching into his reasons without listening to a word Steve was trying to say. Jay covered his ears, and dropped his eyes, this anxiety was rubbing off on him, pulling him away from the happy place he had found himself in, he caught snatches of the conversation, heard Jensen move in stages from adamant to angry and loud, from terrified to subdued

 

“I killed him, I killed him, I ran him down, and i shouldn't have left him to die, I should have gone back, I didn’t go back”

 

“No, Steve, it hurts, I need to get it outside of me”

 

“I cant, he’ll…”

 

“OK, I can… Jesus Steve, this is…”

 

“No I have the number, I’m OK dude, I’m OK”

 

“I will… I’ll tell him”

 

Jensen closed the phone, looking at it in his hands like it was an alien object, turning it over and over, his face carefully blank, his eyes focused on the turning silver. He looked up, saw Jay curled up against the door, his six four frame physically stopping him from leaving and the pain inside just bled out. How could he have even contemplated something so violent against this man, something so evil as to cause fury in his new family, to force Jay to choose sides? The rage left him, forced him to his knees in front of the strong man who was saving him every day. The phone dropped to the carpet, the screen lighting momentarily and then dimming just as quick, and Jensen found himself staring into the dimming light, the simple action focusing him.

 

“Jay” he started, his voice scratchy with unshed tears, “Jay please, I’m so sorry, I don’t… what happened…”

 

“S’okay” Jay said, not moving his body from the door but at least lifting his head and dropping his hands from his ears,

 

“I wouldn’t have done it Jay, not without talking to you”, he paused, waiting for Jay to respond, but nothing, “Steve… Steve says I need to be honest with you… so I guess that is what I need to be” he stopped, reaching and holding Jay’s hands, feeling Jay pull back, but insistently gripping to keep the connection. “When I woke this morning… no, when I woke in the night, I was with you, and I wanted you, I wanted to touch you… Jay, I really felt at peace, for like the first time in… well… I guess ever” Jensen stopped, he didn’t know how to explain this, he couldn’t find the words.

 

“It scared you” Jay offered simply, Jensen’s green eyes widened at Jay’s clarity of understanding, at the tone in his voice.

 

“Yeah, scared, and my head isn’t right Jay, it… I don’t see things the same way anymore… when I have challenges I don’t rationalise or think, I just despair and I long and I need. Does that make sense?” Jensen asked, nerves like ice in his voice. Jay had the capacity to turn Jensen away, to not understand, to break his heart.

 

Jay nodded slowly, turning his hands in Jensen’s to thread fingers, his large hands dwarfing Jensen’s, “please don’t tell my family, not today Jen, please?”

 

Jensen paled, gripping hard to their entwined hands, “I wont Jay, I panicked and I lost it, all the old shit just crawling into me… I wont”, Jay nodded, he knew what Jensen said was the truth. He only had to look at the pain and misery in jade eyes to know. “I need to get some air, Jay, I’m not feeling so hot”

 

They stood, helping each other, until Jay held Jensen in a loose embrace and they hugged briefly, Jensen felt hot, burning, and was restless, he probably needed some time, so Jared was going to give it to him.

 

“Mom said she’d be doing breakfast, you go on over and I’ll be there in five, OK?” he offered gently and Jensen nodded, pulling Jay in to touch and then leaving the room, shutting the door behind him, moving out into the small yard that separated house and annexe.

 

He didn’t see Jeff, he didn’t at first even realise it was Jeff, but the first hit was enough to spin him round and against the wall, cutting his skin from eye to hairline, the associated shouting a blur. He lifted his hands, not to fight, to protect, more shouts, a kick to the back of his knee and he was on the floor, a second a third, chest and stomach, all the time, words,

 

Bastard… fucking bastard… my brother … years. 

 

Wanted to bring over breakfast, mom wanted to do it right, to spoil you, I heard everything

 

Why?

 

The last kick pushed Jensen’s head back against the wall and he could feel the sickness rising in him, but no fear, acceptance. This is OK.

 

“Jeff, no, stop” Jay’s shouted.

 

No Jay let him finish, and then I can rest.

 

Through eyes blurred with blood he looked up, Jay, hunched protectively in front of him, blocking Jeff, pushing Jeff away, he reached a hand to touch Jay.

 

don’t, it’s not his fault.

 

“Enough, Jeff, stop”.

 

“Jeff! What is happening?” Jay’s mom’s voice, his dad by her side rushing to aide Jensen, horror in their faces, Gerry holding Jeff back.

 

“Let go of me dad, it was him, he ran over Jared and left him to die, I heard him say it, I heard him”

 

“Jeff”

 

”Ask him”

 

“Jared, tell me this isn’t true” his mom, tears of sudden revulsion in her eyes.

 

Jay didn’t answer at first; just stood still, trying to judge the violence still left in Jeff, pleading in his eyes, still using his body to shield Jensen and facing his family who stood in varying degrees of shock. How the hell was he going to explain this one, when his conviction that he was doing the best thing had been shaken so badly only minutes before?

 

“Yes, it is true” he winced at her gasp of horror, “you have to see though… Jensen came to find you, he found me, he has brought us back together, please don’t judge him”

 

“Jared, no” Jeff again, “we need to get you to a specialist, maybe get you some help so that you can see”

 

“I don’t need help Jeff, I need my family to see that I have come to terms with what happened, and now, I have Jensen in my life and I want him to stay there”, he paused, reaching behind to touch Jensen, in reassurance, hearing the older man's breathing harsh and heavy, “I love him”.

 

Silence, only broken by the sobbing from his mom. Jared waited, conscious that Jensen needed help, that he was leaning on Jay in a frighteningly still way. His dad took a step forward, a surge of anger reddening his cheeks, his finger pointing, accusing.

 

“Nothing has changed has it Jared, you are still a spoiled child who doesn’t understand the world, who takes and takes and expects us to put up with the nonsense” his mom looked overwhelmed, her eyes moving from Jared to her husband, a fear in her that even Jared could see. “You announce you are gay and you begin to destroy your family, run away from your responsibilities, hurt your mother, drive your brother to drinking and staying out all hours, causing your sister to sink into some kind of traumatised depression”, he paused an drew a breath, the red in his face worse by the second, “then you come waltzing back, and you bring destruction with you again. How dare you”.

 

Jared knew his dad was speaking from shock, knew he didn’t mean it, his son had just dumped the man who had nearly killed him on their doorstep… but something… something in what his dad said hurt him so deep, cut him to the bone and it was enough to send shivers of rebellion through to his very soul. Jared was shocked at the vitriol that came from his dad’s mouth, this stranger to Jared who labeled him as a child.

 

He couldn't hold back his words, “Just for the record dad, I am not a child, I am a grown man with my own life and my own choices. I am gay, I’m not playing at being gay just to spite you, and from what mom said, maybe with a bit more understanding from you and her, I would never have left”. Without pause he pulled Jensen against him, warning Jeff back with an open hand, stumbling and carrying Jensen back to the hire car Steve had arranged, the key still in his jeans, his cell in his pocket. Whatever else was left in the annexe could stay there, it was time to go.

 

“Wait Jared. Please” his mom again. Jay settled Jensen into the car, wincing at the blood and the obvious pain his friend was in. How can this have gone so horribly wrong? 

 

He turned to face his mom, “You know where i am mom... we need to talk... ” was all he said and then before anything else could be added he turned on the ignition and pulled out of the drive, heading for what he remembered was the nearest town, one they had passed through less than twenty four hours earlier. They needed a doctor. 

 

Jensen didn’t want anonymous, he didn’t want strangers, he wanted to go home. “M’OK Jay... home” he whispered, his lip split and dark with dried blood, “please”.

 

Jay couldn’t find the words, his head in a space that was alien to him, but he found himself nodding, agreeing, “Home”.


	17. Chapter 17

Steve was at the door when they got home, his jacket on, keys in his hand, obviously ready to go somewhere, Chris hovering behind him.

 

He moved around the car to Jensen’s side, a sharp indrawn breath as he saw Jensen’s face. Eyes wide he leaned in and looked at Jared who was leaned forward, his forehead on the steering wheel, his long hair covering his face. “Jensen, what the fuck, Jay?”

 

“Can you help me inside?” Jensen said roughly, the broken skin splitting, blood in his mouth, his head pounding, his knee throbbing

 

“Shit man, we need a hospital, there is a lot of blood…” Jensen shook his head, “…Jay, tell me… shit… just help me… Chris, get him inside”

 

Chris was there already, his hands helping, his strength there, pulling and lifting Jensen inside, Jared stayed in the car. It took the two of them to get him to the sofa, he was hobbling, favouring one leg, blood on his jeans, and between them they managed to get his clothes away from him, each layer removed revealing more blood, and bruises.

 

“Jen, we need to - ”

 

“No, none of it is that bad, just looks worse than it is” Jensen managed to choke out, not quite as convincing as he wanted to be, eyes lifting as he sensed Jay come into the room. Jay stopped at the door, the pain in his eyes overwhelming. “No hospital” Jensen said clearly, the younger man nodded.

 

“I’ll call Liam, he’s… a paramedic… was one of my…” Jay started softly, but didn’t finish, tears glazing his eyes, his figure slumped against the door frame in defeat, his fingers already keying into his cell.

 

“Jesus Jen, you might have internal bleeding, concussion, fuck… how did this happen”

 

“Jeff”

 

“Jay’s brother, he did this, why, what the shit Jensen…?”

 

“Didn’t mean to tell them…” Jensen started, then stopped, closing his eyes, leaning back, wincing, pressing the ice bag Chris had just passed him gently to his swollen face, “…Steve, I was… we were shouting…”

 

“Jen - ”

 

“He hit me, wanted to kill me, I wanted to die… screwed… I’m so screwed”

 

Chris hovered, Steve mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like a list of swear words then slumped in the chair opposite Jensen, looking at the clock and realising that only ten minutes had passed since Jay had phoned this Liam guy. Did Jensen really mean that, was he suicidal, or was it his dependency talking? Steve shuffled forward in the seat, extending a hand to clasp Jensen, running a finger idly across unblemished skin, thoughtfully noting that there were no defensive wounds.

 

“Did you try and stop him?” Steve asked, holding tight to the hands, his face carefully blank. Jensen opened his eyes, moaning softly at the effort it was taking. He couldn’t answer, the pain in him so intense, his head splitting, his stomach churning, he didn’t want to answer.

 

“… no meds… promise” he mumbled as lucidly as he could, which wasn’t enough for Steve to understand anything except the word meds. When Jensen had had his good times, the years up to his relapse last year, he had refused anything and everything, even headache pills, Steve knew what he meant, Jensen had explained it to him one night. He had tried to make Steve understand his refusal to touch anything that took the edge off in any way, his fear that it would be a step in the wrong direction; Steve had called him irrational, Jensen just called himself weak and not ready to lay himself open.

 

“No meds Jen, no meds”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Liam had made Jensen promise to get an x-ray on his swollen knee, had given him some tablets that Jensen refused, much to Liam’s confusion, and then left. Still even when the door had shut behind Liam, Jared could still not bring himself to stand in the front room looking at Jensen. Even though the news had been good, nothing broken, no concussion, he couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in Jensen’s eyes, that Jared’s family had done this to him.

 

Chris had followed him out, stood with him, agitation in every pore, every so often turning as if to ask a question, then stopping himself, until Jay couldn’t bear it any longer. 

 

“What Chris?”

 

“Why did you tell your brother, didn't you know he'd try to kill Jen?”

 

”I didn’t” with emphasis on the I, “I didn’t want to, we argued, Jensen was shouting, we were overheard, that is all”

 

“But you came back with him?”

 

”He didn’t want a hospital”

 

“No, I mean, you came back, you left your family and you came back with Jensen"

 

“There wasn’t a choice to be made Chris, I am with Jensen” Jared offered simply

 

”Steve said there are no defensive wounds, what happened?”

 

”I didn’t see, when I got to it Jensen was already against the wall and Jeff had pulled back. I guess Jeff had heard us fighting, when Jensen was panicking, he…” Jared paused, twisting a free hand into his hair and pulling it back from his eyes, “…he woke up feeling rough, anxious, uncomfortable, wanted to go tell my family who he really was, he was irrational, I blocked him in the room, phoned Steve” Chris nodded, he had been there when Steve had received the call. He was the one who had stopped Steve from going back to the Padalecki house that very minute, saying Jay could handle it, that he knew Jay could handle it. “So I stopped him, and he spoke to Steve and he was calm, and he said sorry, that he had lost it, and then… I thought he needed air… just five minutes to get himself together. We didn’t know Chris, we didn’t know that Jeff had heard”. Jared raised stricken eyes to Chris who placed a reassuring hand on Jay’s arm.

 

“Go on” he encouraged the visibly distraught younger man; he could guess what happened next but knew Jay needed to get it out.

 

“Jeff just went for it, he was shouting and pushing and kicking and I got there and I went to pull him off, but I think dad had got there and stopped him, I don’t know, I was focusing on Jen, standing in front of him. I made sure no one could touch him, cos they cant see what I see Chris, what you see”.

 

“Jay” Chris started, but stopped when Steve came out of the room, pulling the door too behind him, looking from Chris to Jay and back.

 

“Jensen said he’d like to talk to you Jay” he said softly, watching as Jay swallowed and drew himself taller, steeling himself for the shit storm he expected. As he reached for the door Steve stopped him with a gentle touch, “he needs help Jay. But not from us, not from me or Chris or you Jay, you need to let him go...”

 

“I know what I need to do Steve”. Jared sounded resigned.

 

”One thing i wanna know Jay, why did you phone me when he lost it?” Steve wasn’t accusing. He was questioning Jared’s ability to cope but at the same time not damning what Jay was doing for his friend.

 

“I thought you would… that he was… I guess I couldn’t handle it… then” Jay frowned, he knew what Steve was saying, he didn’t finish his sentence, just shrugged off Steve’s touch and slipped into the front room. He stood for a moment, just staring down at a semi dozing Jensen, at the darkening bruises on his face, the cut on his forehead with the butterfly stitches, the knee bandaged and raised on a cushion.

 

“Hey” Jensen mumbled as Jay slipped to his knees next to him.

 

”What’s with the no meds thing Jensen?” Jay asked, a frown on his face, ”you need something for your knee”.

 

Jensen smiled as carefully as he could, “I don’t do drugs” Jay just bent over to rest his forehead on Jensen’s shoulder, only lightly, not wanting to hurt him.

 

“Steve says you need help”.

 

”I do”

 

“I’m not enough really” Jared pointed out sadly.

 

“Jay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lost it this morning, just know that it wasn’t you that it was aimed at. Me. The real me, I wouldn’t hurt you like that, it was the chaos in my head…”

 

Jay nodded, he knew the psychology of dependency, the itch under the skin, the need, the primal urge to lash out. He knew, he had learned, but he had never experienced, he knew he never would. “I know Jen, I know”

 

”It is a different sort of help I need, and I am going to have to do things alone, get my head sorted, get my head round what I did to you”

 

“And you have to do it alone” Jay agreed sadly.

 

“I want to stand next to you Jay, I want to stand in front of your family, strong and able to defend myself, to defend us, to love you as you need me too” Tears gathered in his eyes and he gripped Jared’s hands tightly, “I am so sorry Jay”

 

“Don’t be Jensen, just promise me, if you need me, you will call, and promise me, that whatever they say to you, whatever you decide, please, please come back to me”

 

Jensen said nothing, the tears on his face burning his cold skin, the touch and strength of Jay’s hands as necessary to him as breathing.

 

Goodbye

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Seven months later, August 2008

 

The camera moved back round, focusing on Briony and the scene behind her. The cameraman was indicating on air in three and she cleared her throat and readied her words, hoping the camera view was capturing Alan Ackles and son as they left the courthouse.

 

”This is Briony McAndrews reporting from the trial of Alan Ackles at County. We have just heard from the family representative, who has confirmed that Ackles has been indicted in the murder of one Juan Ramon, a wealthy industrialist who…"

 

Jensen sat back in his seat, closing his eyes, his cell phone in his hand, watching the news on the indictment, knowing Josh was somewhere in the court house with his dad. Mack had backed way off, and their mom had started divorce proceedings as soon as Jensen had presented the family with what he had uncovered on Alan’s business practices.

 

He had gone back to work in March, buried his head in corporate paperwork, researched what he had found with a dispassionate eye, capable, using his counseling, finding his own path. It hadn’t been easy, the audit trail was getting colder by the day, and he had left the files for nearly a year by the time he came back to it, but he had thought to flag the information he had found, filed innocuously in an unconnected archive. He had built trust, followed trails, put the details together and finally, just two short weeks ago, he had taken the whole package to the DA’s office and the rest was history.

 

Juan Manez Ramon, aged 54, husband, father of four, grandfather, murdered. Maybe not at Alan’s hand but certainly by his direction, to remove a rival in a multi-million land deal, for money, nothing more than money. It made Jensen sick to his stomach. It was enough reason for his mom to leave his dad and for that he would be forever grateful. Josh was the only one who had stuck around really, and that was more for their mom’s sake, she needed a barrier between her and her husband and Jensen was in no fit state to do that, he would be forever grateful to Josh for running interference.

 

He felt Mack slide down onto the sofa next to him and he opened his eyes, turning his head and taking the proffered beer. He had only just started drinking beer again, and then only one or two bottles at the weekend, or like this, on special occasions. He felt well, felt strong; the therapy he had been through was part of that, his own strength and determination the rest. He owed Jared Padalecki one hell of a lot; the time he had spent with the younger man had changed him, made him care, gave him self-belief. He thought about him every minute of every day, wondered what he was doing, wondered if he still felt for Jensen what he had said he felt at Christmas.

 

“To the rest of the Ackles family” she suggested the toast and they knocked bottles, both knowing the extremes of the mess that they had to be dealing with now at Ackles Corp, but choosing to forget in the satisfaction of seeing Alan Ackles cowed before the authorities. “And now I guess it is stage 2 yeah?” she said smiling coyly and leaned against her big brother’s shoulder, snuggling into his soft shirt.

 

“Yeah, what’s that?”

 

”Time for you to go find Jared I think big brother”

 

He took a long pull on the beer and placed a kiss on her hair, “guess it is little sister, guess it is”


	18. Chapter 18

The only thing that kept Jared sane were the weekly reports from Chris and Steve, reports that Jensen knew nothing about, minute details of his life that Jared horded to himself.

 

_He talks about you a lot Jay, especially to Mackenzie, she is a good sister, they talk for hours… I think it is kind of a therapy for him._

_He is seeing this addiction counsellor … no, straight up, the guy seems to know what he is doing … not just the drugs stuff either … he talked my ear off about you on Thursday, I think he is worried that maybe you wont be there at the end of this, that he screwed up too much_

_Josh was there with him this weekend… they just did brother stuff… Jen isn’t drinking though, nothing, not even one beer_

_I haven’t seen him this week Jay, but I saw Mack, she says he is holed up at work and that I am not to worry, she says she wants to talk to you, can I give her your number?_

_++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_Jared, it’s your mom, I know you probably don’t want to talk, this is the third message now, I wont keep pushing you, I don’t know how I can say sorry_

_++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_“Hey Jared, this is Mackenzie Ackles, Jensen’s sister… erm.. Steve said it’d be OK to talk you, to maybe meet up and get to know you, Jensen wont know, I promise, shit I hate machines, can you maybe phone me back and I’ll… can you just phone me Jared, I really want to talk”_

_“Mackenzie?” Jared had near dived for his phone missing her message by mere seconds._

_“Hey, Jared?” she said softly, he could almost hear her smile in her voice._

_“Mackenzie, I would love to meet up and chat, just tell me when and where”_

_++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_Jared, it’s your mom, again, Meggie… Meggie and I would like to maybe visit?_

_++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_Jared, he got your birthday gift, he took it upstairs to open it man, but he had a good birthday, I know he misses you, but he wont say so to me or Chris._

_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_Hey Jay, it’s Chris, we have this thing, this erm… anniversary thing…just me and Steve and er… a few other guys… and Jensen… do you think maybe you wanna…_

_Did Jensen ask for me to be there Chris?_

_…no, he wouldn’t think too, Jay, it’s been like four months, he’d want too…_

_Chris no… he’ll contact me when he is ready, I need to be strong for him and give him that space_

_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_Jared, it’s your mom –_

_Mom_

_Jared, oh my… I…_

_Mom, you and Meggie, I think I’d like you to come visit_

_++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_What I don’t get Jay, is why he is spending so much time at a job he hates?_

_There must be a reason Mackenzie, maybe he needs the structure, the same day in and out_

_Some nights he doesn’t even come home, if he isn’t at the office, where does he go? I’m scared_

_Scared of what, that he is going back to drugs?_

_No, scared he is moving away from you_

_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_Jared, it’s me, Jeff, look I… I don’t know what to say… fuckin’ machines… Meggie told me that… shit… look I don’t want say sorry over the phone, please little brother… can you call me…_

_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_Jared will you come to my graduation when it’s time?_

_Jared didn’t hesitate, not thinking of his dad, or Jeff, just thinking of that single shining moment that was his sister in her success._

_Oh Meggie, of course I’ll be there_

_++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_I followed him Jay_

_Jeez Mack, that isn’t safe, did you take Steve_

_I know what he is doing_

_Mack, are you OK?_

_He’s volunteering Jay, at a shelter_

_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_You left, you didn’t talk to me, why_

_I was admitting I was gay, dad wouldn’t look at me, mom wanted to have me committed, you weren’t there, Jeff you weren’t there_

_I can never say sorry enough Jared, I can’t, every day… I needed you around every day, the not knowing… it killed me… and then he is there, someone, a face, a physical person I could blame…_

_Jeff…_

_How can you do it Jared, how can you want to even breathe the same air as him_

_I love him Jeff, it isn’t hard_

_I can’t understand, I don’t think I ever will_

_Is it going to be a problem for us? You want me to choose?_

_God, no, Jared, no, just, please let me be your brother again_

_+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_

_Jared, hey, it’s Steve, just a quick message man, Jensen has pulled off some heavy shit, he’s turned evidence in for his dad’s part in some kind of murder, look phone me back eh, so we can talk?_

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

August 2008, the day of the indictment for Alan Ackles

 

Jared had watched the same breaking news as Jensen and Mackenzie, sat on his own, his heart swollen with pride and a love so hard in his heart it stopped him breathing. Desperate he searched the crowd for any sign of Jensen but he could see nothing; he caught sight of Josh and Jensen’s dad, but the camera was too far away to look a facial expressions.

 

Mackenzie had said that she wasn’t going, that she was planning on being with Jensen all day if he decided not to go too, locked away in a friends apartment, she didn’t say that Jensen wanted Jared there, he supposed she wouldn’t if Jensen had never asked. Everyone was giving Jensen his space, but god, Jared missed him so much.

 

He sat and tortured himself with whole TV focus downfall of ex governor Ackles thing and the focus that inevitably fell on Jensen, the openly gay drug addict son who the governor never seemed to quite have a handle on. They dug up some pretty unflattering photos of Jensen that made Jared wince, and then some photos from events a few years ago, where his eyes sparkled and he radiated confidence and life. Jared paused the report, looked closer at the Jensen that was before Jared’s time, it didn't seem real.

 

He turned off the TV, throwing the control down on the sofa, and crossing to his small kitchen to get coffee. Ben and Mikey had both been to visit him today, individually knowing just how much this day was meaning to their friend. They had offered to stay, but he didn’t want anyone here now, he was normally so sociable, but today he just needed peace, he had had more than enough of the sensationalist crap. He didn’t know what to do; he wanted to get in the car and just go and find Jensen, but he realised he didn’t actually know where he would be going. Mackenzie had never given an address of where they would be; Jensen could be three doors down the road and Jared would never know.

 

Jared was tired, exhausted, super emotional, but he needed to drag himself out of the slump, and maybe going down in to the church, seeing if Ben needed help with anything, might go some way to helping. He hadn’t shaved since yesterday and he guessed the first thing he should do is have a shower, which sounded the perfect thing to be doing.

 

As he stripped, his mind went to Jensen, wondering what he was going through at the moment, and he almost unconsciously stood in front of the full length bathroom mirror, turning slightly to view the full extent of his scars, twisting and raised from thigh to side to arm to throat, to forehead, mapping his left side, a reminder of his journey.

 

They weren’t an issue any longer for Jared, he wondered if they actually ever had been, but he considered what Jensen, what any man, would think if they saw the scarring in all it’s twisting ugly glory. He sighed, tucking his long hair behind his ears and leaning forward, focusing on his changeable hazel eyes, brown now in the dim light of the bathroom. He was being maudlin, focusing on things he couldn’t have, he didn’t do maudlin, and a shower would help.

 

The water was hot and soothing, and for a long time he just stood under the beating spray, his arms crossed on he wall, his head leaning on them, trying to remember all he had learned, trying to centre himself. Tension and need prickle under his skin, but he didn’t want to do anything about it, his need for any sort of sexual release on hold. It was just enough to be still, to think.

 

Dressed in jeans and a soft shirt he picked up his strangely silent cell phone. Strange, as normally Mackenzie would be checking in, Steve, Meggie, Jeff, his mom, today though, people were leaving him be, almost as if they somehow knew he needed peace. Perhaps he was just reading too much into it all.

 

He entered into the church, his eyes adjusting to the darkening gloom of the early evening shadows, the familiarity of each shape comforting and normal and so much like home it was a place to immediately relax. Jared felt the tension holding his body release in small increments.

 

“Jay” a voice so soft from the front of the church and a shadow moved towards him.

 

Jared didn’t have words, he had no capacity to think, Jensen looked well, tired, but he had filled out some, had lost the gaunt pinched look of his addiction, his hair longer, soft and not so spiky, a smile on his face. He reached Jared in three quick strides pushing his head under Jared’s chin and locking his arms around the younger man’s back, Jared just breathed in the smell that was uniquely Jensen, and returned the close embrace.

 

”…so good to see you Jay, so damn good” Jensen murmured against Jared’s heated skin, his lips soft against the scar. Jared still said nothing, just pulling Jensen in as tight as he could, promising himself he would never let him go. Jensen’s soft kisses moved up Jared’s throat, gently nuzzling at his pulse point and then moving further to pull Jared in for a kiss. Simple. The gentlest of touches, an exchange of breath; no more than a question on Jared’s lips.

 

Jensen pulled back slightly, “I missed you Jay”

 

“I missed you Jen, are you OK?”

 

Jensen didn’t answer, just nodded, his eyes closing briefly as he dropped his hands to push up and under Jay’s shirt touching warm skin tenderly. Jared moved his own hands, cupping Jensen’s face and tilting it slightly to look up; Jensen’s beautiful jade eyes were clear, the pupils wide, the lashes damp with unshed tears. His eyes held hope and fear and the same longing that Jared had inside himself.

 

“Are you here to stay?” Jared asked simply, leaning that last inch and swallowing any possible immediate reply Jensen might make in a heated almost urgent touch of skin on skin, kissing Jensen deeper and more insistently, his own head tilting for the best access. They parted, breathing erratic, hands holding, and Jensen nodded.

 

“Whatever we have to do, whatever choices we have to make…” he paused, leaning up to kiss Jared’s parted lips, pulling back, smiling as Jared chased the kiss with a sigh, “…whatever Jay… I’m here to stay”

 

 

 

The End

..


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